


Team Rocket And The One Time...

by GoofyGoldenGirl



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol, Arguing, Arora-chichou | Alola, Attempted Murder, Attempted robbery, Beaches, Candy, Cities, Con Artists, Crack, Dinner Party, Drug Dealing, Drugs, Drunkenness, Embarrassment, Fights, Filming, Food, Funny, Gen, Gossip, Halloween, Hotels, Humor, Insecurity, Insults, Intimidation, Jouto-chihou | Johto, Kalos-chihou | Kalos, Marijuana, McDonald's, Menstruation, Nude Beach, Parties, Petty Drama, Pokemon GO - Freeform, Pokemon Showcase, Raichu - Freeform, Rumors, Silly, Stealing, Suburbia, Sunburn, Talk Shows, Team Rocket - Freeform, Team Rocket has a moment, Television, Trick or Treating, Vignette, Waxing, YouTube Video, after school program, ash is clueless, bewear saves the day, dares, fast food restaurant, fire trial, girl code, gladion is a total scene kid, guzma is a dick, gyarados - Freeform, hikers are totally stoners, i watched way too much jerry springer and maury for this chapter, island challange, kalos power plant, marowak - Freeform, mimikyu is one scary pokemon, minor rocketshipping, netflix, references to the 90s, rich people, rowlet - Freeform, sick burns, stealing pokemon, teacher spark, team flare, team rocket are jerks, team rocket headquarters, team skull - Freeform, wild parties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-08-13 07:12:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 20,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7967365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoofyGoldenGirl/pseuds/GoofyGoldenGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Otherwise known as the cracktastic adventures of our favorite villainous trio when they're not after Ash and co. </em>
  <br/>
  <em>3/28/17: <a href="https://8tracks.com/goofyplaylists/team-rocket-and-the-one-time">You get a playlist!</a> </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. They Sold Weed

The shady trio stood close to the back-alley on fifth and main street. Jessie and James stood back to back, clad in long brown trench-coats and oversized circular sunglasses. Meowth was in charge of the background music; the outdated 90s portable radio played Snoop Dogg's _Smoke Weed Everyday_ on repeat. Their lure set, all they had to do was to wait for potential customers to pass by and reel them in.

"Hey kid, wanna buy some weed?" James said in a low voice as he opened his trench-coat to reveal little baggies of mushed up green leaves. 

"It's the cheapest around," Jessie grinned as she tossed a bag up and out, and catching it in a snap.

"An' lemme tell ya, it's some good shiz," street-smart Meowth winked with a thumbs up.

The rebellious teenagers, human versions of Snorlax, and overstimulated rich businessmen and middle aged housewives they managed to stop were all coaxed into buying the illegal product. As each customer walked away, Team Rocket could not help but snicker, for what the duped dopers did not know what that they had purchased ground up _oddish_ leaves, not marijuana.

It was close to three and Team Rocket giggled with glee as they counted the fives, tens, twenties they had collected over the past few hours.

"Look a' all dis money! Wha' we gonna do wit' it all?" Meowth exclaimed.

"I want to go to a fancy spa!" Jessie got stars in her eyes as she imagined what it'd be like to get a super volume extending hair treatment, Swedish massage, cucumber facial, and a mani-pedi complete with a glass of champagne.

"I say the _opera!_ " James, always the dramatic, had a touch of vibrato in his tone as he attempted to imitate the tenors and sopranos that sang on his parents' opera CDs.

"Well I wanna go ta a nice fish place!" Meowth licked his lips as plates full of different types of seafood appeared in his mind's eyes.

"We've only got another two hours to go! We can do it!" James gestured towards the sky.

"Hey! Someone's coming!" Jessie said excitedly. 

They got into position and looked out to the right. Three people had just gotten on the block and were headed their way.

"So this is the shortcut to the gym?" Came a high-pitched male voice that sounded like fingernails scrapping against a blackboard to the villains' ears.

"I guess, they said it'd only take five minutes," replied a feminine voice that had a bit of a bounce to it, but was equally as annoying as the boy's.

"Well we're running out of time! We better hurry!" A grating, deeper male voice butted in.

Team Rocket stepped out and displayed their wares.

"Hello there. May we interest you in some---GOSH DANG IT TO HECK IT'S THE TWERPS!" 

"Team Rocket! What are you doing here?" Ash tried to sound as threatening as he could. His pikachu jumped out in front of him, ready to strike. 

"Well what does it look like we're doing?" Jessie smirked. 

'We're selling some high class _weed._ " James chuckled. 

"You mean _marijuana?_ " Misty shouted as she shielded her togepi from the awful sight. 

" _That's_ illegal!" Brock exclaimed.

"Well there ain't nothin' you can do 'bout it!" Meowth sneered. 

"Don't you know drugs are bad? You truly _are_ evil!" Hot headed Ash was ready to take them down. 

"And why should _we_ care?"

"We'll do _anything_ to make a buck."

"You guys stay here! I'm calling the cops!" The ever responsible Brock shouted. He turned and ran to the nearest payphone.

"I'll go afta' him!" Meowth burst into a run. 

"Pikachu use thunderbolt!" Ash ordered. 

"Pika---PiKACHU!" Pikachu's cheeks sizzled as strands of electricity shot out from him. It hit Meowth on the tail and shot upwards. He fell with a yelp. 

"Meowth!" Jessie and James shouted. 

Misty had taken out a pokeball and threw it, revealing her staryu. 

"Staryu use water gun!" She pointed at Jessie and James 

A blast of water shot out from the center of the starfish pokemon. It tided over Jessie and James, knocking them down to the ground. The baggies of oddish leaves and the money fell out from their pockets. 

"Ok Pikachu one last shock!" Ash moved his arm back. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" All three villains screamed as they tried to grab as many soaked baggies and dollar bills as they could. 

"Pi---ka--- **CHUUUUUUUU** " 

The shock was so strong that it sent the trio flying. 

"This ain't _dank!_ " Meowth screamed. 

"It looks like we're _breaking bad!_ " 

James exclaimed.

"All our dreams are going up in a _blaze!_ " Jessie cried. 

"WE'RE BLASTING OFF **AGAIN!!!!!!!!** " They disappeared high into the sky.

Brock arrived a little too late with Officer Jenny. After gathering up the evidence and getting a statement from them, she promised that Team Rocket would be captured soon. A disturbing news report came out later that night and became the top trending story the next morning. At least fifty people had been hospitalized after suffering from severe hallucinations after smoking oddish leaves that had been sold to them as marijuana. 


	2. They Went To A Nude Beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: My own headcanon for Jessie and James' age are around 19-23 range.

Word was out that a trainer and his rare gyarados had arrived at the popular resort town to compete in the annual water pokemon tournament. Jessie, James, and Meowth knew that they had come across the catch of the day. And what a better way to make good use of their time than to spend a day at the beach? 

Between the dips in the ocean, sun-tanning, and sandcastle building, the trio took long walks on the beach. They attracted quite a lot of attention. Jessie in her tight fitting purple bikini, and James in his shapely blue swim trunks caught the eye of many a single college student on spring break who tried to win them over with flirty compliments. Meowth, in his cute little orange arm floaties, was subjected to the _awwws_ , _so cute!_ and blinding white camera flashes. 

"I'm tellin' ya da sooner we get ova this da better!" Meowth exclaimed, with a hand over his swollen cheek. An old lady had pinched it to the point of paralysis. 

"Shut up Meowth! This is important!" Hot tempered Jessie snapped back. 

"Yeah Meowth it's not like every day you run into a gyarados!" James backed her up. 

Well I'm gettin' tired of-- 

They stopped in their tracks and looked out ahead in the distance. A giant gyarados leapt out of the water and dove back in. Team Rocket burst out into a run. 

"The gyarados!" 

"Oh I can smell the promotion!" 

A tide pool separated them from the other area of the beach where the gyarados was. They began to climb over the rocks. 

"Fame and fortune here we--" 

They skidded to a halt. The other side of the beach was not deserted like they thought. It was full of beachgoers; lounging about under their umbrellas, swimming in the ocean, walking about the beach, playing an intense game of volleyball. But what set them apart from the rest was-- 

"They're **NAKED!** " 

Jessie and James nervously looked over at the beach. Then at each other. Then back at the beach. Then at each other; attempting not to focus on the articles of clothing that covered up parts they did **not** want to expose in public.

"What do we do?" Jessie croaked out. 

"They say when in Rome," James made a face as he considered the only option they had. 

"Aw come on you two! You tellin' me you too **chicken** to catch dat gyarados?" Meowth challenged them.

"WE'RE **NOT!** " Jessie and James shouted. 

Meowth was the first to venture out from behind the rocks. He motioned to Jessie and James to follow. Jessie and James apprehensively looked at the beach before they stepped out. Their hands (and arms in Jessie's case) covered themselves up the best they could. 

"Drop da hands! Ya gonna stand out and we'll get caught!" Meowth angrily exclaimed. 

James and Jessie's arms fell by their side. With a gulp, they followed Meowth, keeping their eyes peeled to the ground. The hot rays of the midday sun bore down on their underprotected skin, cooking it to the color of a steamed lobster. Once every five seconds, one of them would loose their footing and find themselves face to face with another birthday suit clad human being. 

"Sorry! Sorry!" Either Jessie or James would apologize with a wince from both embarrassment and from a sting that sizzled on their skin. Besides the collisions, no one on the beach noticed that the trio was even there. Just when Jessie and James got somewhat comfortable enough to look up and watch where they were going, a roar filled the air. 

"There it is!" 

The gyarados flopped its tail as it surfaced, sending a huge wave to shore. Jessie, James, and Meowth darted towards the water. James yanked somebody's umbrella up from the sand. Jessie grabbed the volleyball net and ripped it from the poles. 

"Hey Barnacle Brain! Ova here!" Meowth threw the floatie at the gyarados. It bounced off its head. The gyarados turned and growled.

"NOW!" 

Team Rocket charged. They somersaulted up on top of the gyarados and threw the net over its mouth. The pokemon thrashed about. A huge wave crashed dangerously close to where the beachgoers were sitting. The air was filled with screams; from the fleeing nudists, and from the trio as they hung on for dear life onto the gyarados' neck.

"If we die; at least we'll go down as a Team Rocket legend!" Jessie wailed. 

"Naked at birth and naked at death! Oh how horribly ironic!" James lamented. 

"I don't wanna **die!** " Meowth cried. 

"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH **MY** GYARADOS!" Came a shout that broke over the ruckus.

The gyarados stopped thrashing about. Team Rocket looked up and over the gyarados' head to see where it came from. The pokemon's trainer was standing on the shore: muscular, suntanned, completely naked, and _seething._

"Holy fishsticks he has an incredibly huge 'gyarados'!" Jessie pointed towards the trainer's lower area.

"That's not true, he can't be _that_ big!" James enviously said, with an insecure glance down at his own 'gyarados.'

"Well ya know what dey say---like pokemon, like trainer," Meowth squeaked. 

"Gyarados use aqua tail!" The trainer yelled. 

Team Rocket soared up into the sky. They crashed into the non nude area of the beach. A crowd surrounded them, staring, pointing fingers, and laughing. Jessie and James, now a deep shade of purple, took off with a shriek, dragging Meowth behind them.


	3. They Got Kicked Out of McDonalds

"Welcome to McPoké's™ may I take your order?" The cashier behind the counter of the McDonalds ripoff enthusiastically asked Team Rocket.

"I want a Mega McPoké burger!" Jessie exclaimed.

"Make that double!" James added.

"One vanilla milkshake!"

"One coke!"

"And two extra large fries!" Jessie and James said in unison.

"Alright, and will your meowth want a Pokémeal™? We've got a choice between Pokéveggie bites™ and Pokémeaty bites™ along with a healthy side of sliced apples and water!"

"You think I'll eat that crap lady? I came here to eat junk like everyone else!" Meowth shook at fist at the cashier.

"Oh um sorry! What will you have?" She nervously asked, shocked that the talking meowth was so rude.

"I'll take McPoké chicken nuggets an' a sprite," Meowth ordered. 

"Ok! So we've got, two Mega McPoké burgers™, two large fries, one vanilla milkshake, one coke, one McPoké nuggets™, and a sprite. Your total will be $15.99."

James handed over the twenty dollar bill they had earned that day from selling faulty pokeballs. 

"$4.01 is your change."

Jessie jumped back with a shout. Her hand shot to her skirt pocket. A large circular object vibrated and glowed through the skirt's sheer, silvery fabric.

" Now, now Jessie don't get _too_ excited for your meal!" James joked.

An activated pokeball slipped out and dropped on the dusty, checkered floor. It opened and a bright white light materialized into Wobbuffet.

"Wobbuffet!" Wobbuffet exclaimed.

"What the hell are you doing out of your ball?" Jessie angrily exclaimed.

"Wobbuffet! Wobbuffet!" Wobbuffet pointed at the sign for the pokemeals and rubbed his stomach. 

"No Wobbuffet you can't have a pokemeal! We just spent most of our money!" James told him.

"Pokémeals™ are 99 cents and include a free toy!" The cashier cheerfully informed them. 

"Wob-ba-- _fet_ " Wobbuffet whined. He titled his head to one side and shot his best puppy dog look at Jessie and James.

"Oh alright, you'll get a pokemeal," Jessie grumbled. She took a dollar bill from James and gave it to the cashier. 

"One cent's your change, and your food is ready," The cashier handed them the penny and trays. "Have a great day! Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm loving it™!" She waved. 

Team Rocket sat at one of the tables by the Pokeplay center. Wobbuffet longingly gazed over at the indoor play area, wishing to join the children and fellow pokemon who were tumbling through the tubes and down the slide. 

"Wobbuffet! Wobbuffet!" He exclaimed. 

"Ya wanna go do some dumb baby thing like dat?" Meowth said between popping chicken nuggets into his mouth.

Jessie and James were too busy enjoying their food to notice that trouble was beginning to arise. 

"Wobbuffet!" Wobbuffet pleaded. 

"I ain't going wit' ya. I won't be caugh' in a place like dat!" Meowth snapped back. 

"Wobbuffet! Wobba--Wobba--"

Meowth took a sip of sprite. Wobbuffet reached over and tried to take one of Meowth's chicken nuggets. 

"Hey! Dis is _my_ food! You got ya own!" Meowth slapped Wobbuffet's hand. 

"Wob--ba-- _fet!_ " Wobbuffet blubbered, cradling his hurt hand. 

"You're the one who _started_ it!" Meowth shouted.

" _Wobbuffet!_ " 

"Oh I'm tellin' on ya! Jessie! James! Hey! Wobbuffet tried to take my meal!" 

"Not now Meowth. Mommy and daddy are busy eating," James waved his hand at the pokemon before returning his attention to his burger. 

"Argh!" Meowth hit the table with his fist. "Now listen ta-- _hey!_ " 

Wobbuffet began to waddle over to the pokeplay center. 

"You come back here ya stupid big baby!" 

Meowth tackled Wobbuffet and furiously began to fury swipe him. Wobbuffet pushed him back with a shriek and flailed his arms about. He charged at Meowth and struck as hard as he could. 

**"Wobbuffet!"**

"Oh is **dat** all ya got?" Meowth sent another fury swipe at Wobbuffet. The two began to cat slap each other, screaming nonsense at the top of their lungs. Wobbuffet and Meowth tumbled about the restaurant; sending chairs and trays flying, knocking over tables and customers to the ground. Parents dragged their crying children away. Scared pokemon trembled in their owner's arms. The customers taking their orders at the counter suddenly decided to take it to go. The pokemon at the play area were running about and howling at the top of their lungs. The remaining customers all gathered close to the back, worried that one thing would lead to another, and the whole building would be torn a part. The only ones not aware of the chaos around them were Jessie and James who were in the middle of a heavy PDA fest with the vanilla milkshake.

"WOBBUFFET!" 

"I HAD ENOUG' OF YA YA LIL'---"

Meowth and Wobbufett crashed into the condiments table. A huge bottle of ketchup toppled over and spurt ketchup all over them. Mayonaise and mustard followed. 

"Aw man!" Meowth sighed as he looked at the mess they had made. 

"Wobuffet," Wobuffet began to cry again. 

The backdoor that led to the offices swung open. The manager stepped out and surveyed the damage done. 

"WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT?" The manager roared. 

Everyone in the restaurant stepped aside leaving Wobuffet and Meowth utterly defenseless. 

"Uh," Meowth nervously chuckled. "We--we can explain--" 

"WHERE ARE YOUR TRAINERS?" 

"Wob-ba-fet," Wobuffet pointed at their table. The plastic cup full of vanilla milkshake was spilled all over the table. Jessie was leaning into James. Their faces were smashed together, and the liplock was quickly escalating from a PG tame kiss into a PG 13 full on makeout scene.

"HEY! THIS IS A **FAMILY RESTAURANT!** " 

Jessie and James broke off and glanced around to see that everyone was staring at them. Jessie sunk down to the table and buried her face in the crook of her elbows. James shielded his face. 

"FIGHTING! SMOOCHING! SCARING MY CUSTOMERS AWAY! GET OUT **NOW!**

"Uh, we're so terribly sorry, we'll- we'll make it up to you. Here, have the rest of our money, and we can eat in peace right?" Jessie embarrassedly held the remaining three dollars and two pennys out. 

**"GET OUT!"**

And so with a giant shove, Team Rocket was forced out of McPokés front door. 


	4. Spark Roasted Them

It was late afternoon and Team Rocket had found themselves in the burbs. They took their time as they walked down the long and winding streets; taking in the sights, the fresh air, and the peace and quiet they soon hoped to disturb.

"What a pretty picture! I wish I had a camera!" Meowth mimed taking a picture.

"I wish I lived in a place like this!" Jessie exclaimed. She still couldn't believe she was walking through one of the wealthiest towns in the Johto region. Houses that bordered on full fledged mansion, with their fancy lawns, and white picket fences were exactly as she imagined them to be as a poor kid growing up.

"Don't let the delusions of idyllic suburban life fool you Jessie! Like the Victreebel, the suburbs attract their prey with their beauty and enticing aroma, only to snatch the victim up in its jaws and swallow them whole!" James spat, flashing back to his horrible days as a kid of the suburbs.

" _Victreebel_ James? Like that dumb one you have that can't even battle without thinking you're the one to take down?" Jessie taunted. 

"Hey! Don't make fun of my Victreebel! Wobbuffet's even dumber and I don't crack cheap jokes about him!" James snapped at her. 

"Wobbuffet can actually get the job done when he wants to!" 

"Wobbuffet's a lousy fighter and you know it!" 

"Why you--" 

"Hey cut it _out_ you two!" Meowth exclaimed.

Jessie and James stopped arguing. 

"Do ya hear that?" Meowth asked, pointing in the opposite direction.. 

"Do you wanna be a pokemon master?" A male voice shouted in a singsong voice.

"I wanna be a pokemon master!" A chorus of high-pitched voices responded

"Do you wanna be the very best now?"

"I wanna be the very best now!"

"The best like no one ever was now?"

"The best like no one ever was now!" 

A gaggle of about fifteen school aged children and their guide who appeared to be in his mid to late twenties, were making their way down the street. The children were accompanied by their pokemon friends: the family eevees, growlithes, bayleeefs, bulbasaurs, marils, and snubulls. Several older children brought along pokemon that they were training.The blond man, dressed in black skinny jeans and a black and orange hoodie, had a raichu on his shoulder, who got the attention of his trainer and glanced upwards.

"I can't believe we're not the only ones on dis tour," Meowth remarked. 

"It must be one of those after school programs," James said, slightly envious that his over-controlling parents never let him join any growing up.

"Pathetic! Who'd wanna teach a bunch of twerps anyway," Jessie agreed, also equally as envious because her after school days were spent working.

"An' I mean dis guy was obviously a trainer. He coulda had fame an' glory but stoopin' down ta _dis?_ " Meowth added.

"Hey do you guys see that pidgey?" The blond man excitedly asked as he pointed up at a rustling in the trees followed by cawing sound. All the children looked up to see the pokemon bird take flight. Some emitted oohs and aahs. Others glanced up with a hand over their eyes, squinting through the bright sunlight. 

"It's so pretty!"

"Wow that pidgey is so big!"

Team Rocket snorted. 

"Just in about a few weeks, this Pidgey along with many of its fellow dudes will fly down to The Orange Islands for winter. While we're up here enjoying the snow, Pidgeys are chilling on the beach! You guys wanna hear something cool about Pidgeys?

"Yeah!" 

"Every single time Pidgeys migrate south, they always go to the exact same island they had been going to since they were a little fledgling. Pidgeys have a super strong memory, and remember every single place they have ever been to. Even if they haven't been there in _years._

"Cool!" 

"So if one day, our little Pidgey decides to evolve, what will it become?" The man asked. Everyone in the group raised their hands as high as they could. 

"Hmmm I don't know who to pick on. How about Riley decides!" The man said, gesturing at the raichu on his shoulder. The kids cheered. The raichu let out an excited squeak. It waved its hand about until it pointed at a girl in the back.

"Raichu!" Riley the raichu said. 

"Katie!" The man called out. 

"Pidgeotto!" She exclaimed. 

"Then the pidgeotto turns into a..." The man trailed off as he let his raichu pick the next kid.

"Raichu!" 

"Shiro!" The man pointed at a boy in the middle. 

"Pidgeot!" The boy proudly said. 

"Awesome! Have a high five!" The man went towards the two kids and gave them both high fives. Riley the raichu did the same. Jessie, James, and Meowth groaned. 

"So what other types of pokemon you'd find around the neighborhood?" The guide asked. The children all began to respond.

"Caterpie!"

"Ledians really like my mom's garden!" 

"Chikorita!" 

"Oddish!" 

"Sometimes we get kakunas!" 

"Bellsprout!"

"Furret!" 

"One time we found a parasect eating up the old oak tree in our backyard and we had to call pest control to get rid of it," a kid said. 

"Spark! Spark! There's a meowth over there," A small child tugged on his sleeve and pointed over at Team Rocket.

"Well it looks like he's with his trainers there," Spark chuckled with a wave.

"Ya know I take offense to dat I am my own cat!" Meowth rudely exclaimed.

"Oh sorry man! No harm done right?" Spark apologized. 

"Well you droning on and on about pidgeys is making my ears _bleed_ " Jessie covered her ears. 

"Oh look at the pidgeys! Look at them! Coo-coo-coo! Who would wanna learn about some stupid pidgey anyway?" 

"All they're good for is gobbling up when I'm _hungry!_ " Meowth licked his lips. 

"Well, everyone has different opinions over which pokemon is the best. I'm the type of guy that sees the beauty in each and every one of them," Spark explained with a shrug.

Jessie, James, and Meowth burst into laughter.

"Are ya listening to what this guy's saying?" 

"All pokemon are beautiful in their own way?" 

"What a **loser!** "

Spark became quiet. He sucked in a deep breath as he brushed the insult aside. He was about to open his mouth when a high pitched voice piped up: 

"Spark's not a loser! He's the coolest guy I know!" 

"He's **amazing**!" 

"He taught me everything I know about pokemon!" 

"You know you're really **mean**!"

"I think pidgeys are cool! Does that mean I'm a loser **too?** " 

The trio jumped back as a group of very angry children advanced forward. They were unable to come up with snappy comebacks as the children kept on defending their teacher. A surprised Spark held up his hand. 

"Uh guys that's enough!" 

"These brats won't stop at anything!"

"It looks like they're in need of a good lesson." 

"And all those pokemon are just standing there just waiting to be **captured.** Oh that raichu will be the **perfect** present to give to the boss." 

The kids all screamed as Jessie and James pulled out their pokeballs. Spark rushed forward and held his arms out. He glared up at Team Rocket with the look of upmost hatred.

" **No one** threatens **my** kids! Riley! Use thundershock!" Spark yelled. 

"Rai **chu!** " Firecracker like electricity sizzled from the mouse pokemon's tail and cheeks and hit Team Rocket head on. With a boom, they were thrown high into the sky and out of sight. 

Spark turned back to his students. 

"And **that** everyone is how to do a good finishing move." 


	5. Team Flare Got A Sick Burn

"HEY! **YOU!** What just do you think you're **doing?** " The teenaged, hot tempered Team Flare grunt shouted.

Team Rocket glanced down from the top of the fence and glared at the one obstacle preventing them from sneaking into the Kalos power plant. From above, the wannabe gangster twerp looked so tiny. They sneered down at him.

"You think you can boss us around like that?" Jessie exclaimed.

"We don' take orders from no one," Meowth defiantly said. 

"Do you even know who we **are** kid?" James asked.

"No and I don' give a _shit!_ This is Team Flare's turf! You pieces of shit better get outta here or I'll--I'll beat the **shit** outta ya!" The grunt yelled.

" _Oooh_ we got an edgy one," James commented. 

"He used 'shit' at least three times in his tirade, how charming," Jessie sarcastically said. 

"Well we ain't leaving! We've gotta places ta go and things ta take and we ain't gonna be stopped by some oompa loompa wannabe!" Meowth shouted. 

"HEY! TEAM FLARE HAS A BIG REPUTATION FOR OUR STYLE HOW DARE YOU CALL US OOMPA LOOMPAS YOU **SHITS!** " The teenager yelled. 

"Team Flare? More like Team fashion des **pair** James taunted."

"Wow I didn't know they starting named stores after pokemon because you look like you walked out of a **magmar-mart!** " Jessie exclaimed with a laugh.

"Did ya ever get the memo that orange **isn't** the new black?" Meowth chimed in. 

"Well you go big or go home! Team Flare takes great pride in our image!" 

"Go big eh? Does that mean yo' momma is _big_ too? 'Cause she's so fat that all the waillords came out to the shore and started singing 'We are family! Even though you're fatter than me!'" James said with a wicked smile.

"My mom isn't **fat** you **asshole!** " The grunt's voice cracked. 

"It's a miracle! He's **expanded** his vocabulary!" Jessie remarked. 

"I'm gonna climb up there and beat the **shit** outta ya!" 

"You really think you're gonna take the three of us out all **by yourself** kid? Wow, apparently Flare's supposed to burn like the hottest flame but you're really not that **bright** are you?" 

"SHUT **UP!** " The teenager wailed. "GET DOWN HERE AND **FIGHT ME** YOU---YOU---" 

Team Rocket jumped down from the fence and gracefully landed on the ground. They got up from their dramatic pose and started walking towards the Team Flare grunt. 

"I've--I'VE GOT A **GUN!** " The kid threatened as his hand went towards his front pocket. 

"Well look at that, he's got a gun. Then shoot ya **coward!** " Meowth yelled back. 

But the Team Flare grunt did not pull out a weapon of any kind. He only held his arm out, made a fist, and shook it at the intruders. 

"Lysandre's my cousin! I'll tell him and he'll **KILL** you!" 

Team Rocket was only a few steps away. Their pace slowed. They stood as tall as they could and moved in to close any space between them. Meowth's claws glinted in the sunlight. A pop made the Team Flare grunt flinch as Jessie and James pounded their fists into their free hand and cracked their knuckles one by one. The teenager gulped. His tough facade faded as a frightened expression washed over him.

"Hey! STOP! **STOP!** " 

But Jessie, James, and Meowth walked past the Team Flare grunt with a laugh and continued on their way to the power plant. 

"STOP--- **STOP!** " 

Team Rocket had reached the front door of the plant. The grunt sunk to his knees and looked on as they produced an pass from one of their pockets, slid it in the slot, and stepped inside. He let out a whimper as the doors closed. 

"LYSANDRE IS GONNA **KILL** ME!" He wailed. 


	6. They Crashed A Fancy Dinner Party

Thanks to going through undelivered mail at the post office in search of coupons and checks, Team Rocket found out that a fancy dinner party would be hosted by one of the wealthiest families in the area.  


_A True Pokemon Dining Experience_ Read the invitation in fancy cursive letters.  


Team Rocket was _salivating_ :a four- course dinner, live music, dancing, _and_ pokemon? What a perfect opportunity to grab a free meal _and_ some rich people’s pokemon to give to the boss!  


So they quickly sent out an RSVP and set their plans in motion.  


Seven o clock sharp, Team Rocket pulled up in front of the mansion in the limo they had carjacked. After threatening the poor chauffer with less than legal action, they strutted inside. Jessie was a stunner in her curve fitting crimson ballgown, and had gained four inches thanks to a pair of Jimmy Choos. Her hairspray treated hair had been elegantly styled into a high bun that sat right at the top of her head. She had replaced her usual green earrings for pearls, and paired it with a collarbone length necklace. James and Meowth were decked out in designer label tuxedos; the kind with fancy coattails that curled up at the ends. Bright red carnations had been pinned onto the lapels, and James sported a top hat that he thrust into the arms of a waiting butler as they stepped inside. Meowth teetered on the highest pair of heels they could find. He still did not reach an acceptable human height.  


First stop was the ballroom. A live band played a concerto on the stage. Groups of socialites huddled together as they discussed the latest gossip, golf, the stock market, and other mundane rich people topics. Waiters dashed to and fro, carrying platters full of champagne and appetizers.  


“Where’s the pokemon?” Meowth asked.  


“Oh boy, this better not be one of those parties where they just _talk_ about pokemon,” Jessie huffed.  


“Maybe they’re all upstairs socializing. No matter how well behaved little snubby might be, they’ll _never_ be allowed to a human party,” James recalled from past parties.  


“Good idea. Let’s check!”  


Team Rocket started to exit the ballroom. A wobbling Meowth lost his balance for the fifth time that evening and crashed into James. James was sent flying right into Jessie’s back, who tripped on her own heels and landed face first into three ladies.  


“Oh my gosh I am so sorry!” Jessie apologized as she got to her feet.  


“Oh my goodness, are you alright?” One of the women asked.  


“Oh don’t worry I’m fine,” Jessie brushed off the fact that her ankles were _killing_ and that she could feel black and blue marks start to form on her legs.  


“I don’t think we’ve met! I’m _Jessica._ ” Jessie introduced herself.  


“ _Jessica?_ ” One of the ladies asked, with a raise of her eyebrow.  


“Oh don’t worry, I’m not related at all to that _bitch_ in Kanto.”  


James and Meowth’s jaws dropped as they realized that Jessie made a _huge_ faux pass. They glanced nervously at the group of women, who were taking time to react.  


"You mean _Jessibelle?_ Oh that woman is a _psycho._ ” The first woman said.  


“I heard she went off the deep end after finding out that her fiancé ditched her for a life of crime, so we should have _some_ sympathy,” the second said in a low voice.  


“Why have sympathy? I had the pleasure of knowing her as a child at boarding school. She had a _horrible_ attitude. She would act all sweet around the grownups but then insult me every chance she got when we were _alone._ She spread rumors about me! She told all the other girls that I wet the bed, picked my nose, and cheated on all my tests! Then one day I walked into our room to find that she had stolen my _favorite doll!_ She never gave Suzy back! She never _did!_ ”The third woman dramatically concluded.

“Oh my god, I wasn’t the only one,” James muttered under his breath.  


“And who is _this_ handsome young man?” One of the women asked Jessie as she winked over at James.  


“My darling husband _Jacques_?” She affectionately placed a hand on James’ chest and beamed up at him.  
“ _Bonjour madamosilles_ it is a pleasure to meet you,” James put on his best French accent as he greeted the ladies with a bow. They all giggled.  


“Are you from Kalos? How lovely!” The second woman said.  


"Kalos accents just give me the _chills!_ ” The third woman leaned in and placed a hand over her heart.  


“Oh Jessica your husband is a _dear!_ ”  


“Why yes, thank you, thank you, even though I do say there’s a fine picking of _gentlemen_ out here tonight,” Jessie glanced over at the dance floor and made eyes at attractive blond man. She made a _hm_ sound as she checked him out. All of the ladies burst into giggles.  


“But Jessica, why would you let your eyes wander? Unless... if what they say about Kalosian men isn’t true?” One of the ladies questioned.  


“Oh honey, it _is_ true. Jacques here is hung like a _horse,_ ” Jessie said with a grin.

All the ladies roared. James smirked as he placed his hand around Jessie's waist and pulled her in close. Meowth, grossed out, stuck out his tongue and made a _bleh_ sound. The upper class ladies stopped and turned towards the obviously not attractive Meowth and glared at him for ruining the moment.  


“Oh don't mind him, he's just my cousin. Maxwell Katze-schnitzel-dorf-und-stein,” James offhandedly mentioned.  


“ _Guten tagger_ ,” A German alibi was the only way they could smuggle in Meowth and explain his grating accent.  


"Oh. Hello," the ladies gave him a tentative look before whispering among themselves. 

"I can't believe it, German men are supposed to be _hot._ " 

"Now how could someone like _him_ be related to an _adonis_ like _Jacques?_ " 

"He must have gotten the short end of the stick, that's the only explanation I can come up with."

"Well unfortunately we have to get moving. My stomach is growling like a _growlithe_ and I am _dying_ to try the appetizers," Jessie said. 

"Don't worry at _all_ Jessica. Have a good evening! Hopefully we'll run into each other!" 

“See you! Ta- ta!”  


Jessie clung to James' arm as they turned and started to cross the ballroom once more. Meowth trailed behind them; muttering under his breath about how _sex obsessed_ humans were and if any species _needed_ a mating season to keep them in check, it was _them._

"Wow, those girls were really _nice._ We should do this more often!" Jessie exclaimed. 

"Yes dear," James smugly said. 

Now _don't_ get your hopes up," Jessie told him with a poke to the chest.

"Aw Jessie, now you go and hurt my pride?" James playfully asked. 

"I was playing a _role_ James. There's a difference--" She started.

"Well you sounded very _convincing_ when you said--

"Sir? Ma'm? Champagne?" A waiter carrying a large tray butted in.

"Why yes please!" Jessie took a glass. James and Meowth did the same.

" _Merci beaucoup!"_

" _Danke!_ " 

Team Rocket toasted to their good fortune and sipped on their drinks; savoring the fruity flavor that bubbled in their mouths. 

"Dis is da life!" Meowth exclaimed. 

"Imagine if we get a promotion! We can have champagne everyday and live like kings in the _lapras_ of luxury!" 

"Ooh _food!_ " 

Another waiter approached them. On the left side of the plate sat a portion of a charred pinkish meat on wooden skewers, in the middle, a roasted yellow vegetable that had been cut into the shape of a flower, and on the right, fried octopus ringlets. Team Rocket took one of each option and piled the appetizers up on the tiny china plates that the waiter handed them.

"Mmm, I've never been one for vegetables but this cauliflower is really good! I could eat a whole _plate_ of these," James remarked as he chewed. 

"Yeah! I guess adding _lemon_ to it makes a huge difference," Jessie agreed. 

"Eh cats like me don't eat veggies. We like our _meat_ ," Meowth avoided the vegetable and went for the skewer.

"Yummy!" He licked his lips 

"It's good, but _chewy,_ " Jessie said after taking a bite. 

"You think it's lamb?" James asked 

"Nah, it's got _fishy_ taste. Now why would lamb taste like fish?" Meowth pointed out. He stuck the now empty skewer in his mouth and sucked on it. Two passing rich people gave him the stinkeye for his lack of manners.

"Dis is 'ow we eat in Deutsch-Germanland ya snobs!" Meowth shouted at them. Jessie and James snickered. With two of the appetizers gone, the last, and certainly not least was left. 

"Calamari!" All three of them exclaimed before digging in.

"You know, this tastes _different_ from calamari I've had before," Jessie noted as she waved her fork about. 

"Maybe it's da batter?" Meowth had ditched his fork and started to eat the calamari with his paws.

"Nah, the _batter_ is the same but the calamari tastes like... the _sea,_ " James concluded.

"What an incredible observation," Jessie sarcastically said. 

Team Rocket continued munching on their appetizers until they noticed that the partygoers were starting to head to the dining room. They followed and were promptly seated at a table for three. The water glasses were filled, three glasses of white wine and a bread basket were placed in front of them, and the waiter asked if they would like the salad or the soup to start. 

"I would _love_ a salad," Jessie leaned in and winked up at the attractive waiter as he jotted down her order. 

"Ditto," James tried to look like he didn't care about Jessie flirting with the waiter.

The waiter chuckled at James' answer and turned towards Meowth. 

"I'll has da soup! Soup is hearty ya? It is good for da soul!" Meowth got a little too into his German accent and pounded his fist on the table for emphasis. A fork went flying into the air and landed on the other side of the dining room. A shriek sounded. Meowth sheepishly slouched into his seat. 

While enjoying the free the wine and bread, Team Rocket wondered where on earth could those pokemon be. 

"Should we still go upstairs?" James elegantly sipped his wine. 

"Maybe after dinner. We do deserve the night off at least for a little while don't you think?" Jessie swirled the wine about in her glass before drinking. 

"I agree with Jessie. It can wait, food's more important here," Meowth stuffed a huge chunk of bread into his mouth. 

The first course arrived. Jessie and James were given two arugula salads with an oil and cheese dressing, topped up by greenish-white mushrooms. Meowth was handed a bowl of steaming seafood soup.

"Oh boy ain't this good! Clams an' lobstas!" Meowth was trying hard not to go back to his pokemon ways and lap up from the bowl. He resorted to slurping his soup up from the spoon. The sucking noise annoyed the nearby diners so much that a waiter was sent to tell Meowth that he was distracting everyone in the room.

"Oh don't mind him dear, my cousin's husband--husband's cousin--he's just not from here you know," Jessie patted the waiter's arm. She was already starting to get a little bit tipsy from the two glasses of champagne and wine. 

"I'll take care of him! Just don't bother her! And--and bring me another glass!" The alcohol was also going to James' head. The waiter quickly took off. The three of them turned back to their starter. 

“What is this mushroom? It's _weird,_ ” Jessie examined the mushroom on her fork before eating it.

“Mushrooms are rubbery things, but I love this Parmesan cheese,” James made a _mmm_ sound.  


"Parmesan cheese. Aren't _you_ fancy," Jessie laughed. She placed her hand on James'. He glanced up, a bit flustered, then proceeded to knock over his wine glass. It spilled all over the tablecloth. Another waiter rushed over to clean the mess. He sighed as he glanced over at Jessie and James who were both guzzling down their newly placed glasses of red wine, and giggling at the top of their lungs about some silly thing.

"I'm surprised you're doing well sir," The waiter whispered to Meowth, who had not been affected by the four plus drinks at all. 

"We from Deustch-Germanland know how to handle our _drink_ mein good friend!" Meowth responded. 

As soon as the waiter took off, another one arrived the with main course; a gamey meat with a side of mashed potatoes and leeks. From the first bite; the trio was absolutely _hooked._ The taste was hard to describe, but it brought on a sensation of _sweet_ and _sour_ , full of _bliss_ that tickled on the _tongue_ down the _throat_ and all the way to the _stomach_ , where it settled perfectly, waiting to be digested. 

"Oh! This duck is _so_ juicy!" Jessie exclaimed. 

"It's so good it makes my tongue _melt!_ " James chimed in.

"Oh boy I hadn't had anything dis good in _forever!_ I could eat anything on dis here plate even these _leeks!_ " Meowth licked his lips clean. 

"I want _more!_ " 

"Me too!" 

"Hey lemme get the waiter! WAITER!" 

“This duck is absolutely _divine!_ Send the chef my regards!” Jessie gushed.  


The waiter smiled at them. 

“I'll be more than happy to let him know that the _far-fetched_ was a success."

Team Rocket stopped eating. They glanced down at their plates, gulped, and looked back up at the waiter. 

_"Far-fetched?"_

"Isn't that like illegal ya know?" 

"Doesn't it matter, _we're_ also illegal," James slurred. 

"I'm surprised that you didn't have a clue, it's all written on the _menu_ that this is a special _pokemon_ themed dinner," the waiter told them. 

"Oh silly us!" 

We shoulda known!" 

"Then what were we eating all this time?" 

"Tonight's appetizers were grilled slowpoke tails,octilery calamari, and bellsprout florettes." 

James gagged. He rapidly picked up his napkin and buried his mouth in it. His face became pale with a light shade of green. His cheeks bulged.

"Sir? Are you alright?" The waiter asked, concerned. 

James jumped out of his seat and took off as fast as he could. He sped out of the archway and disappeared into the hallway. 

"Victreebel," Jessie muttered as she set down her fork. 

"He--he had a Victrebell," Meowth explained to the waiter before glancing at Jessie. They both were shaken by the revelation, but not as quite as James. 

"Then the starters?" Jessie apprehensively asked. 

“The salad had arugula, lightly sautèd shroomish, and a miltank Parmesan cheese dressing. Our seafood soup was comprised of the three C's: cloyster, corphish, and clamperl." 

Jessie and Meowth both sighed in relief. 

"I hope I can set up your appetite for tonight's dessert. It's a seasonal speciality from Kalos: pumpkaboo pie with swirlix whipped cream and vanilla ice cream on the side."

Jessie's entire face went red. Her eyebrows furrowed as her fist slammed into the table and spittle flew from her mouth as she shouted: 

“I have a **gourgeist** you son of a **BITCH!** ”  


Everyone in the dining room turned to see where the commotion was coming from. Jessie rose to her feet. 

"How **DARE** you! They're not **PUMPKINS** you--" she unleashed a string of language so foul that the entire room collectively let out a gasp.

"Madame I could just serve you the ice cream if you want!" The waiter nervously blurted. 

"Jessie you've had too much ta drink," Meowth tapped her on the arm. 

"AND YOU THINK THAT YOU AND YOUR--" 

"I'm so sorry sir, I'll--I'll get her outta here," Meowth grabbed Jessie and began to push her away from the waiter. 

"DON'T YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME MEOWTH LET ME **FIGHT** HIM!" Jessie struggled against Meowth's surprisingly strong grip. 

"Oh that poor Jessica. She's so drunk that she thinks her husband _grotesque_ cousin is a _meowth_ " One of the ladies they had talked with whispered as Meowth and Jessie passed their table. 

"LET ME GO! LET ME **GO!** " 

"Oh boy, if dis is how ya acting, I don't even wanna _think_ about what's going on wit _James_ " Meowth sighed as he dragged her out of the dining room and into the hallway. 

Needless to say, Team Rocket always checked the menu before ordering food after that incident. 


	7. They Stole Candy From A Baby

The two tiny trick or treaters approached the crimson red door on the farthest house down the lane. They rang the doorbell and chimed together in high pitched voices:

"TRICK OR TREAT!"

The sound of heavy footsteps came from the other side of the door. It opened a crack and three pairs of eyes looked to see who had come to the door. 

"Well, well, well, look what we have here," came James' suave voice.

"Trick or treaters all dressed up and ready to collect their candy!" Jessie exclaimed.

"Dey asked us if we'd like a trick or a treat but what about **dem?** " Meowth fury swiped through the door crack. 

The two children jumped back with a shout. Team Rocket opened the door as wide as it can go and stepped out. All dressed up in their Team Rocket garb, they snatched the two trick or treat bags and ran off laughing into the night. The poor kids were left in tears, hungry, and wondering how to collect their candy with no bags to put them in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HALLOWEEN GUYS


	8. Meowth Dared Jessie And James To Get A Brazilian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** I have never had a Brazilian. I have however had a bikini wax and they _hurt_

“So have you two ever had an Alolan before?”

James and Jessie looked up from the waxing bed up at the esthetician. 

“No but I’ve had a bikini wax,” she answered, hoping that the girl wouldn’t notice that she was nervous. 

“Uh I’ve got my chest waxed before,” James tried to sound confident but failed.

“Oh you two don’t need to worry about the pain; Alolans go by so quick that you won’t even realize it happened and if worst comes to worst, I’ve got this calming Jigglypuff mix to put you right to sleep,” the esthetician told them.

Meowth let out a snort from the chair in the corner. Armed with his video camera, and cleverly disguised so no one would suspect that he was a pokemon, he gleefully filmed away as the esthetician and her helper brought the wax cart in.

“Hey watch where you’re pointing that camera!” Jessie snapped at Meowth.

“Aw come on I’m just filming dis for _prosperity._ What’s da harm in capturing life’s first moments; it’s totally not a _dare_ dat I’m posting ta _youtube_ Meowth shot a smirk at a ticked off Jessie and James.

“You lying little—“

“I mean vine’s goin’ down da crapper an’ everyone’s gonna go back to youtube so I gotta prove da I’m da next big hotshot---“

“Anyway,” the esthetician interrupted. “You’re not going to regret getting an Alolan; you won’t believe how many people tell us that their love life---“

“We’re not a _couple!_ We’re just two teammates who happen to get along really well but hook up from time to time.” Jessie and James both exclaimed.

“Oh my bad! I don’t wanna jump to conclusions—“

“But we’re not _friends._ ” Jessie said.

“Or _friends with benefits._ ” James added.

“We’re definitely not _strangers!_ ”

“Or just _coworkers_!”

“Uh—I figured your friend over there dared—“ The esthetician tried to change the topic again.

“We’re more like _family_ but none of us _are_ or _feel_ related to each other.”

“Then you’re really close _friends?_ ” The esthetician was confused. 

“ _No!_ It’s _complicated!_ ” Jessie and James gave up on even _trying_ to explain their incomprehensible situation. 

“So shall we get started?” The esthetician eagerly exclaimed.

Jessie and James glanced over at each other and gulped. The esthetician and her helper crowded around them. Meowth pulled his chair in closer and angled the camera to get the best reaction shot from Jessie and James. Jessie fixed her gaze up at the ceiling as she muttered something to herself in a panicked voice. James’ butterfree-wide eyes followed the wax stick as it was dipped into the hot wax and stirred around.

“Alright so we’re going to start with the inner thighs---“

“Ha, would ya look a’ them?” Meowth commented as the camera panned across Jessie and James’ anxious expressions.

“And then at the end, we’ll tell you to flip over to get the hair between--“

“Can you just get this _done_ already?” Jessie rose her voice without meaning to. 

James shot her the most betrayed look known to mankind before accepting his inevitable doom.

“Oh don’t worry sweetie you’re in good hands. If you’re feeling nervous, just close your eyes or don’t look down,” the esthetician assured her with a gentle touch on the arm before the helper swooped in.

“Oops! Can’ have dat,” Meowth strategically tilted the camera upwards so his video wouldn’t end up getting flagged. 

“Hold here,” the esthetician instructed James before reaching for the wax stick.

The room went quiet. A few fateful seconds passed before the sound of hands smoothing out the linen strips came.

_Rip_

Jessie jolted in her spot before becoming still. James tensed up, his eyes squeezed tight, his free hand forming into a fist as the gooey wax was spread on his skin.

“Don’t tense up sweetie; it will make it hurt more.”

Although Jessie was taking it easier, her façade was beginning to break. She was not relaxed, and between the face scrunching and slight squirms, a curse or two formed on her lips before dissolving into a grunt. 

“You guys are taking it like a machamp!” Meowth cheered them on.

James’ forehead was covered in sweat as he stared with a thousand yard stare down at the hairy, gooped up battlefield of skin that was laid siege to by linen cloths. His eyes twitched, his mouth parted to let out yelp after yelp that threatened to soar into a crack not heard since his teen years.

“It **hurts,** ” he whined.

“You **can’t** give up! Don’t be a baby!” Jessie exclaimed before tensing up again.

“ **Dammit!** **Ow! Ow! Ow!** ” She shouted.

“Ooh the fun’s just about ta start,” Meowth evilly cackled.

“Ok thighs are done. Next up is the pub---“

“Even technical terms get censored here for my audience,” Meowth loudly said as the esthetician and her helper got new wax sticks and dipped them into the container. James and Jessie reached out and grabbed each other’s hands. Their eyes squeezed so tight that tears dripped down their gastly pale cheeks, and both of them were shaking as the uneasy silence fell upon the room again.

_Rip_

Screams of bloody murder followed. Jessie’s eyes bulged as she lunged back. Her arm pulled James’ hand down and her jaw dropped open to let out a tirade so _foul_ that even _sailors_ would blush upon hearing it:

“ **FU-** ”

James let out high pitched after high pitched shriek. Tears were streaming down his face, and his cheeks had turned a bright red. 

“Oh my god dis is pure **gold!** ” Meowth exclaimed.

Jessie and James’ hands were turning purple and were close to getting _crushed_ in each other’s grasp as they tugged back and forth each time they were overcome with pain.

“OH GOD I FEEL LIKE I’M ON **FIRE!** ” Jessie screamed. 

“ **KELLY CLARKSON** ” James howled.

“WHO IN THEIR F---”

“I CAN’T **DO** THIS ANYMORE!”

“SHIT? ”

“OH GOD! OH **GOD!** ”

“THE HIPPIES WERE RIGHT ABOUT BUSHES THEY WERE **R-I-IGHT!** ” Jessie’s shout broke into a sob.

“WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH **ANYTHING?** ” James yelled.

“I’LL SCREAM ABOUT ANYTHING I F-----“

“You guys are doing great!” The esthetician cheerfully piped up even though she was starting to get overwhelmed. “Ok next up is----“

Suddenly the ordeal had become a fight for _survival._ James flailed about on the table as the esthetician came in with the stick once more. His leg bounced, his hand swatted the wax stick away, and he scooted to the end of the table.

“NOT MY BOYS! NOT MY **BOYS!** ” He panicked.

Jessie's leg jutted out and sent a kick at the helper. She slid her knees together and backed up with a hiss. Several strands of hair at the top of her head frizzled and stuck up. A new round of curses came. 

“HAVE MERCY ON MY **BOYS!** ” James wailed. His hands defensively covered his crotch and he laid sideways in a fetal position. He rocked back and forth, blubbering like a baby. Also hysterically in tears, Jessie sent stinging slaps at the helper who dodged them all. The helper advanced with the wax stick and Jessie made one last attempt to fight. 

“IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA PUT THAT ON MY---“

Meowth saw his fame and fortune as a youtube star go up in flames as his plans for a cheap laugh turned into a hellish nightmare. His own skin crawled while he saw his friends struggle through the lens of the camera, but even he could not take his eyes off the scene. 

“YOU’VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING **BITCH!** ”

Jessie's foot sunk into the helper's stomach. The woman lost her balance and stumbled. She hit the cart and slid to the floor, sending a stack of linens along with her. The hand that held the wax stick jabbed the side of her head, sending a greasy trail of wax down the side of her face until it fell to the floor. The helper's lips parted to let out a defeated sigh.

“Ah-ha!” A new idea popped into Meowth’s head. He stopped filming and replayed the footage.

“ **MAI BOIS!** ” James’ voice warped a few pitches lower than his speaking voice. 

“ **OH DANGIT! OH NO!** ” Jessie had gotten so petrified that she forgot to swear. 

Jessie and James grabbed hands and gazed dramatically into each other’s eyes. They cowered as they saw the esthetician and her helper take out a pink- colored, circular contraption from the cart and move back towards them. 

“Jessie,” James began. “If somehow we don’t make it through this I---“

_Jigglypuff---Jigg-llllly-puff_

Jessie and James slumped down onto the table. With their arms drooping over the sides and legs askew, they both fell into a deep snooze. Jessie’s head awkwardly rested on her shoulder as she tried to bury her cheek into the fluffy-pillow like headphones. James’s mouth gaped open as he tilted his head up at the ceiling. Ten minutes later they awoke to find that their Alolan trial of torture was over and they had been rewarded with smooth and completely bare genitals. Within minutes they had thrown on their clothes, thrust wads of cash at the poor cashier at the front desk, and shuffled out of the waxing center. 

About a day later, youtube was graced with a video called The Sickest Burn. It showed Jessie kicking the poor assistant back into the cart as the chorus of Imogen Heap’s _Hide and Seek_ played at the crucial moment. Much to Meowth’s disappointment, it only got a hundred views.


	9. Jessie Helped Out Serena

Jessie did the finishing touches on her makeup and leaned back into her chair. Satisfied with how it came out she blew a kiss at the mirror before picking up the brush on the table. She beckoned her gourgeist over and sat it down on her lap. She moved the brush through the pokemon’s hair, make sure to be gentle when she came across knots.

“We’re gonna _blow_ the audience away!” Jessie exclaimed with a pat on her gourgeist’s head. “We can _do_ this! There’s _nothing_ standing in _our_ way! Heck I bet the other girls here are--”

“Um Jessielie?” Came a girl’s voice.

_Crap._ The few golden moments of solitude Jessie savored before the show was broken by some _twerpette._

“I’m _busy,_ ” Jessie rudely snapped before glancing up at the mirror to see who it was.

_Crap. It’s that Selena/Serena/whatever her name is, twerp_

With a flick of her hair, Jessie went back to brushing her gourgeist. The pokemon let out an excited squeal.

“Um can you help me? It’s—it’s _urgent,_ ” Serena nervously addressed Jessie’s back. She glanced about from side to side and moved her arms up and in towards her chest. She clasped her hands together. 

“Are you looking at me _kid?_ I’ve got my hands _full!_ You think I’m gonna go over and do your hair and makeup for you? Be a _big girl_ and do it _yourself._ ”

“No! It’s not _that_ it’s that I just got—“

“I don't have _time_ to help you,” Jessie shot her down.

It looked like Serena was about to cry. Her voice trembled as she opened her mouth again:

“ _Please!_ I got my first ever period like _today._ And even though my mom packed me a pad just in case I ever got it, I—I need _another one,_ and I’m traveling with two _guys_ and one of their sisters who’s like _seven,_ And I can’t go out and get it with _them_ and I—I just don’t wanna go **alone.** ”

_Oh._

Jessie set her brush down and spun her chair around to face Serena. With a sympathetic looked, she reached over for her purse on the dressing table and checked to see if she had a spare pad.

“Ok. I only have tampons and let me tell you, those are something you do _not_ wanna use on your first,” She closed her purse. “Come on. Let’s go get you what you need.” Jessie’s voice had gotten softer.

About ten minutes later Jessie and Serena were standing in the feminine hygiene section at the local pharmacy. Serena balanced the shopping basket the best she could and walked behind Jessie while she went from shelf to shelf.

“So the trick is to make sure that not only do you have enough pads to last through your period but also for the next one around. Get heavier ones for heavier days and lighter ones for light days. Pantyliners you can use like everyday in between periods to keep your underwear clean from discharge, sweat, and those icky pee stains you get from not wiping right. Not everyone uses them, but hey doesn’t hurt to try.”

“Ok,” Serena said. Her arm weighed down as Jessie dropped another box into the basket. They continued up the aisle. 

“And the best way to pack is to keep half of the pads in their box and the other half in your toiletries bag. It saves up a _ton_ of space.”

Just before they left the aisle to go to the cash register, Jessie stopped by the tampon section and motioned to Serena that she was going to give another lecture.

“If one day down the road you decide to use tampons, _never_ use cardboard applicators. Use plastic. Your vagina will _thank_ you. And when you put a tampon in for the first time, start with _light_ and use a pad as a backup. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll be able to use thicker ones.”

They turned and headed towards the checkout.

“How old are you?” Jessie suddenly asked. 

“Twelve,” Serena answered.

“Ah,” Jessie nodded. “I was _eleven_ when I first got mine. I was living on my own, and even though school taught me what periods were, they didn’t teach me how to deal with them. I was shoving toilet paper and paper towels in my underwear for an entire week. All my underwear and school skirts were _ruined,_ and the weather was warm so it wasn’t like I could wrap a jacket around my waist and cover up the stains. And of course _everyone_ noticed. I was the only girl in the entire fifth grade who was going through all that puberty shi—stuff and the kids were just _vicious._ Laughing at me, calling me names, and the boys would throw ketchup packets at me during lunch. It was a _nightmare._ Thank god for the school nurse. She ended up stepping in at the end and helping me out.”

As soon as Jessie realized that she had poured out her heart and soul, she glanced away with an embarrassed expression. She tried to think of a comeback to assure the twerp that she wasn’t such a sensitive baby but Serena gently placed a hand on Jessie’s arm.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Serena empathetically said.

Jessie nodded, ashamed that she was touched by Serena’s reactions.

By the time the two girls had arrived backstage, the other performers had just began to trickle in. Serena set down her things by one of the couches and pulled Jessie into a tight hug.

“Oh thank you so much for everything Jessielie! You’re so nice!” Serena exclaimed.

Surprised, but moved once again, Jessie wrapped her arms around Serena.

“I’m only nice when I want to be,” Jessie told her as she pulled back.

Serena smiled. She turned and waved before heading off to get changed.

“Good luck!”

Jessie raised her hand into a weak wave. In her eyes, Serena’s short bob grew into longish, messy red waves. Instead of a black and red dress, a puffy white blouse hung loosely on Serena, and a gray pleated skirt swayed to the side as her steps quickened. Jessie’s hand moved over her heart. Her gourgeist affectionately nuzzled its head against Jessie’s shoulder as the two of them looked on.

“You too,” Jessie whispered with a smile.


	10. They Broke Up Team Skull's Rager Ft. Gladion

Team Rocket pushed their way through the impromptu drinking contest two fratboys from Hau’oil university were competing in and faced the last obstacle that stood in their way to the other side of the jam packed garage: the mosh pit that had formed when the edgy/punk/alternative early 2000s wannabe band broke out into a cover of Linkin Park’s _Crawling._ Dozens of grunts affiliated with Team Skull rushed to the front of the space where the band played and started flailing about like a bewear attempting to grasp its prey and crush it in its deathly embrace. Fueled by a combination of rage and cheap beer, Team Rocket charged. 

Hands shot out to drag the trio into the circle of death but were shoved back with a splash of beer, and several spicy phrases. One last kick at the many solo cups and beer cans that were scattered all over the floor and Team Rocket finally reached the other side. A dingy, cracked, gray wall, exactly like the wall on the other side of the room, greeted them, as well as the sight of two lovebirds engaging in a heated tongue of war.

“We have a pokemon with us!” Jessie and James shouted at the couple, who quickly broke apart and scampered away to a more secluded place. Meowth muttered something about Jessie and James being absolute hypocrites as the three of them took their place.

“This party **sucks,** ” Jessie flatly said before taking a sip of the last of her beer.

“I know right, even Team Fashion **Despair** had more **flair** than these **boneheads,** ” James agreed. He tossed his empty red solo cup into the crowd. It hit someone on the head. The shouts of _Chug! Chug! Chug!_ came from the five or so people who were crowding around the two incredibly intoxicated university students. One of the frat boys lifted up his bottle of beer over his head and poured the contents all over himself. Everyone cheered.

“Dis place is a **dump,** dere’s no **food,** I feel like I’m gonna become **roadkill** an dis band is so bad dat I'm dis **close** ta slicin’ my own **ears** off!” Meowth exclaimed. 

“CRAWLING IN MY **SKIIIINNNNNN** THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT **HEEALLLLLL!** ” The lead singer of the band screamed into the mike before warping into a hacking cough. He took a quick gulp of air and went back to damaging his vocal chords. 

“But hey, we should be lucky that we were able to get in; our boss never invites us to any of _his_ parties! The best clubs! Five star course meals! World famous DJs! Oh I’d love to go to a party like that!” James pointed out.

“Me too! But I’d think I’d skip the VIP coke circle and the orgy. Like I’m not into that stuff, but if I were I’d choose that Professor Sycamore---“ Jessie offhandedly said.

“Jessie are you _kidding_ me? _Sycamore?_ If we _ever_ had a threesome, I’d prefer that our session would be graced by the long, tan, and handsome _Professor Kukui_ than that lanky French wannabe!” James exclaimed.

“Sycamore _is_ French you _dolt!_ ” Jessie retorted. “And beach boys aren’t my _type!_ I like a good _waist_ you know!”

“At least with _Kukui_ we’d _all_ have a chance to get on the action equally with each other, but I know that you’d _sideline_ me once you’d decide to hop on Syc---“

“ **Whoa!** You **guys!** Can we even _talk_ about that in a T for teen fic?” Meowth interrupted them in a scandalized tone. He looked off with an I-honestly-can’t-believe-this-is-happening-get-me-outta-here face. 

The vroom of a motorcycle skidding to a stop outside caught everyone’s attention. One of the fratboys was so startled that he choked on his beer. His buddy laughed at him before taking another swig from his cup. He spit out a ping- pong ball. 

“IT’S OUR BOI GUZMA!” 

All of the Team Skull members in the garage flocked over to a youthful looking forty something year old man wearing a Gucci tracksuit, Kanye West rave shades, and an obnoxious amount of bling. They circled him, drunkenly shouting:

“OH SHIT WADDUP! OH SHIT WADDUP!”

“WAZZUP MAH GRUNTS!” Team Skull Boss Guzma flashed his minions Team Skull’s not so secret gang sign. Two university- aged gruntettes slid over to him and positioned themselves by his side with a flirty look and handed him a mega sized red solo cup. Guzma thanked them each with a slap on the rear. With a loud chortle, the three of them waddled across the garage. Guzma’s cup hand gestured wildly between smirks and sips, sloshing his beer all over the floor, at the heads of his fellow grunts, and at a very pissed off Team Rocket.

“Who does that **douche** think he **is?** ” Jessie angrily exclaimed as she whipped her beer soaked hair to the side. It whacked James in the face.

“Can’t dis _creep_ just get a _Ferrari_ like ev’ryone else who has a _mid life crisis?_ ” Meowth pointed over at Guzma who was trying to impress his subordinates with his knowledge of dank memes. 

“Guys, if I get old and turn out like _that_ you have full permission to do anything in your power to _stop_ me,” James said with a cringe as Guzma’s bellowing laugh reached his ears.

Guzma got the band’s attention with a tipsy wave.

“I WANT MAH SONG YO!” His shout brought the band’s horrible rendition of Linkin Park songs to a halt. With an apprehensive glance at his band members and a fumble of the drumsticks, the drummer laid out the beat. The bassist, bored like all bassists are, introduced the riff, but was overshadowed by the guitarist who bumped him aside and slid on the ground to the cheers of the crowd. The lead singer dropped his dramatic clinging to the microphone stand and widened his stance. He made a few rapper hand gestures before breaking out into the first verse.

“TWO TRAILER PARK GIRLS GO ROUND THE OUTSIDE ROUND THE OUTSIDE!” The leader singer failed miserably at imitating Eminem. 

Several wiped out moshers bopped in place. Two grunts were drunkenly breakdancing in the middle of the floor. Someone else had begun to twerk against the wall. Everyone else on the dance floor paired up (or in Guzma’s case trioed up) and were grinding as people do whenever a hot song plays at a party. They were so into it that they didn’t notice that the band kept on repeating the choruses of each song that Guzma requested because they weren’t well versed in anything that wasn’t early-mid 2000s alternative music. 

“There’s like people here—I-- just _why?_ ” James was at a loss for words as he saw where Guzma’s hand was creeping up mid- dance. He turned his head to the right and saw that yet _another_ horny couple was making out against the wall where he, Jessie, and Meowth were leaning against.

“ _Why?_ ” James threw up his hands.

“If that girl was me, I’d kick him in the balls,” Jessie flatly said. She shot over a disgusted look over at Guzma.

Strangely enough, Meowth did not say a word. He only stood in his spot with his paws over his ears and looking on at the party with a thousand yard stare. 

“TO THE WINNNNDOOOOWWWWW,” the lead singer screamoed-rapped.

Guzma and co stumbled over close to Team Rocket. Their harsh, obnoxious laughs rang in the trio’s ears. Suddenly one of the grunts stopped and her eyebrows furrowed as she stared at the too- tight shirt her companion was wearing.

“Oh mah god Amy you stole mah **my** shirt!” The Team Skull grunt on Guzma’s left accused the grunt on the right.

“It’s like **mine!** Allie! I put mah **name** on it! You just don’ know how ta read ‘cause you’re a **stupid hoe,** ” Amy snapped back.

“Now ladies, ladies, ladies, lez not get our panties up in a bunch,” Guzma wrapped his arm around the grunts’ waists and squeezed them. 

“I am **not** a stupid hoe! I put mah name on it **first** so skanks like **you** won’t **snatch it** ”Allie angrily exclaimed. 

“Oh my god,” James sighed.

“Oh my god. This makes reality tv look like _Shakespeare._ Can this party get any more trashy?” Jessie asked, dumbfounded.

“Yo I’m gonna drink this entire thing of arbok venom!” A Team Skull guy also not too far off from Team Rocket, shouted out at ten or so people who gathered around him. One of the frat boys handed him a cup and the Team Skull daredevil tilted his head back and drained it in one gulp. Everyone cheered.

“I have lost faith in humanity,” Jessie flatly said. James nodded in agreement. Meowth was still silent as the pandemonium flashed before his eyes.

No one noticed that a fifteen- year old scene kid was making his way up to the band. He got the lead singer’s attention with a raise of his head. 

“Hey man can you play Ohio is for Lovers?” With a flick of his long blond bangs, he retreated back to the shadows. It looked like the band was about to cry tears of joy.

Team Skull bonehead stopped his victory fist pump when he realized that his entire body was beginning to swell up and turn a deep purple. He screamed and wobbled about in his spot. A flush of green popped out from the purple on his cheeks, a hand shot to his bulging mouth and he turned just in time to spare Team Rocket from the sickening sight.

“Oh ew dat’s nasty, it’s like **purple,** ” One of the onlookers commented. 

“My **shoes!** ” One of the frat boys shrieked. 

Meanwhile, just as the band began the opening riff, the argument between the two grunts was escalating to unbelievable proportions. Amy had taken off her shirt and was waving it right in front of Allie’s face.

“It’s **my** handwriting! I **wrote** that!” Amy spat.

“Whoa Amy now’s not da time to be takin’ off shirts we’re savin’ dat for later!” Guzma was at a complete loss about what to do.

“Did you just **spit** at me?” Allie was enraged.

“Heeeyyy there. I know it’s. Hard to feeeel. Like I don’t care at all---“ The lead singer crooned. 

The partiers all stopped dancing. Groans filled the air as they realized what song was playing. They glared over at the band, and then over at the rest of the garage.

“Who requested that **emo shit?** ” Somebody shouted.

Several of the older Team Skull grunts who had gone through emo and scene phases in the past and were trying to keep it a secret from their fellow grunts, suddenly became _very_ nervous. The song was definitely bringing back _memories._ Lips trembled as they resisted the urge to sing along. Their hands twitched and clenched into fists as they tried not to dance. They froze in their spot, knowing that their cover would be _blown_ before the end of the night.

“Hell yeah I did ‘cause you’re a **trashcan!** ” Amy rose her shirt up to slap Allie in the face.

Meowth **lost it.**

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? JUST WHAT IS **WRONG** WITH YOU?” He hollered.

Amy and Allie stopped fighting. Guzma tilted his head and peered over at the talking pokemon.

“Yo chill man wat’s ya deal?” Guzma did some strange gesturing with his hands.

“WHAT’S MY DEAL? THIS ENTIRE **PARTY** IS MY FREAKIN’ DEAL! WILL YOU **LOOK** AT THIS **DEPRAVED** GATHERING! JUST **LOOK** AT IT! **LOOK AT IT** IT’S **CHAOS** OUT THERE! YOU SHOULD ALL BE **ASHAMED** OF YOURSELVES!” 

The band dodged beer can after beer can that was aimed at them. The cans that missed their targets dented the walls and widened the cracks. Two grunts dragged the still retching numbskull out of the garage. The frat boys passed out even more beers to the drunken crowd. Couples made steam rise in shadowed corners of the garage. The only person who was calm was the scene kid who was swaying about in the middle of the dance floor.

“OH MY **GOD** GLADION!” Came the chorus of angered Team Skull grunts.

“Hey Meowth, that’s Team Skull’s boss you know,” James whispered as he pulled Meowth back.

“WELL ‘ES DA HOST SO ‘E SHOULD TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR DIS **SHITFEST!** ” Meowth complained. 

“WHAT DID DIS PUSSY ASS MEOWTH JUST SAY?” Guzma furiously shouted. 

_Whack!_

Guzma kneeled over in pain. He sunk to the ground in a fetal position and whimpered with a hand cupped over his crotch. Jessie leaned over him and screamed:

“DO **NOT** CALL HIM A PUSSY ASS MEOWTH! YOU OPEN YOUR ----“

“You guys are the biggest **hypocrites** I’ve ever **seen.** You all go on and on about how emo music is absolute garbage but I bet you listen to it **all** the time!” Gladion shouted at the Team Skull grunts.

“--MOUTH AGAIN AND I WILL **IMPALE** THIS---”

“LINKIN PARK **IS** EMO!” Gladion spat at Team Skull grunt who objected to his stance. 

“IT AIN’T!” The grunt leaned in with a violent hand wave.

“DEAL WITH ‘ER! OW!” Guzma flailed about on the floor in pain. Amy and Allie moved in.

“GET OUTTA MY WAY!” Jessie pushed the two grunts down to the ground.

“JESSIE-I-THINK-HE-GOT-THE-POINT!” James grabbed Jessie’s arm with a tug but she shoved him off and faced Guzma again.

“YOU SAY YOU WANNA FIGHT **HUH?** YOU WANNA FIGHT ME? THEN LET’S GO MOTHER---“

“I’m gonna get Null to kick your ass!” Gladion threatened as he took out a black pokeball that was covered in band and skull stickers. 

“GET UP AND **FIGHT ME** YOU WASHED OUT GANGSTA ASS WANNABE!” Jessie challenged. 

Guzma winced as he raised the back of his right hand---

Gladion threw his arm back to aim the pokeball at the grunt---

A loud roar made everyone in the garage stop in their tracks.

Bewear pushed through the crowd and scooped up Team Rocket and Gladion in one movement. It hurled Gladion over its shoulder and placed Team Rocket underneath its arms. Its claws dug into the floor as it dashed back outside and disappeared into the night


	11. Ash Bombed The Fire Trial

Team Rocket looked out at the trial site from behind the pile of conveniently stacked rocks. Through the lens of their fog-proof binoculars, they watched as the twerp, Not! Kiawe, and three marowaks gathered together. 

“My trial will test your powers of observation---“

“Bla- bla- bla! Just cut to da action already!” Meowth made a talking hand movement with his paw.

“Oh this better be good! If those marowaks are _anything_ like they say---” Jessie leaned in with a tilt of her head.

“Then they should be _perfect_ to give to our boss,” James finished her sentence.

“And if he doesn’t want them, _I’ll_ gladly make good use of them for my showcases and contests,” Jessie said with a chuckle

“Eh I still think we oughta go ta Vegas an’ open a dancin’ marowak show,” Meowth suggested.

“And why would I wanna do that?” Jessie did not approve of Meowth’s idea.

“It’s _Vegas_ Jessie! If some C -list haz-beens can go dere an’ make a fortune so can we!”

“Hey! We’re not a bunch of _has- beens!_ ” James protested.

“Well by da way we’re failin’ we’re gonna---“

The captain sat down on a rock off to the side. He picked up the drum he had placed there earlier and started to play a fast beat. The marowaks began to dance. 

Team Rocket stopped bickering and eagerly turned their attention over at the spectacle. 

“Look a’ dat _skill!_ ” Meowth marveled.

“Oh! It’s _breathtaking!_ ” Jessie said with anime heart eyes as she followed the spin of one of the fire bones. 

“Bravo! Bravo!” James clapped.

“Ha! Ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA!”

The three marowaks faced the same direction and struck the final pose. They turned and bowed.

“Wow! That was great!” Ash was so enthralled by the dance that he forgot that he was supposed to be paying attention.

“Pika! Pika!” Pikachu chimed in.

“Now the second dance,” the captain said. 

The marowaks repeated the dance. It lasted for the same amount of time as the first and was identical except for the very end. The marowaks on the far left and right turned sideways and held their fire bones up high. The middle marowak held its bone out in front and lifted its head up to the sky. 

“What was different from the previous dance?”

A confused Ash squinted over at the marowaks. 

“Uhhh…” His finger hovered in the air. He pointed at each of the marowaks before he turned towards Pikachu.

“Do you know Pikachu?” He asked.

“Pika?” Pikachu shrugged.

“Uh I think it’s, um. Um. Heh, heh,” Ash placed a hand on the back of his hand and sheepishly turned towards the captain.

“Can I see it again?”

“Oh my _god,_ ” Team Rocket exclaimed in unison. 

“It’s not that hard man!”

“It’s the one in the _middle._ ”

“I know this kid isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed but _come on!_ ”

“No. You have to earn your second chance. My marowak will battle you now.”

The marowak in the middle stepped out and held its bone out to challenge Ash.

“Alright! A pokemon battle! Rowlet I choose you!”

“He’s bringing out a _grass type?_ ”

Ash threw his pokeball out and rowlet appeared. With a coo, it fluttered in place, unaware of the danger it faced.

“Ok Rowlet we gotta give this all we got! Use leafage!” 

“Oh god I can’t watch,” James covered his eyes.

The leaves burned to crisps as the marowak batted them away. It spun the fire bone in its hands before shooting flames at the rowlet. The poor bird let out a terrified shriek.

“DODGE IT! DODGE IT!” Ash shouted.

“This kid is so _screwed,”_ James moved his fingers apart to get a look at the action and quickly covered his eyes again.

“He’s gonna go down in _flames._ Just like Mariah Carey’s career,” Jessie made a face.

“I mean what da heck! Ya in freaking pokemon school man, ya should know dat fire types will _obliterate_ grass types,” Meowth threw his paws up in the air.

“Like why doesn’t he have a _water type?_ Like that super strong greninja?”

“Greninja? Squirtle was better.”

“ _Duuuuude._ I like mudkips,” came a man’s voice who sounded like a California surfer dude. The trio turned around to find a tall, buff, blond guy, dressed all in green sitting behind them. 

“Where did dis guy come from?” Meowth exclaimed. 

The hiker did not seem to care that he had intruded on Team Rocket’s hiding space. He chuckled and started to tell a story about his experiences with mudkips.

“So one time. I like. Found a mudkip---“

“Ok! Rowlet use peck!” Ash decided to go a different way about the attack. 

The rowlet cawed before diving down towards the marowak’s head. One hit and the pokemon recoiled with a yelp. The marowak’s skull mask was just too hard for it’s sensitive beak. Rowlet wildly flapped its wings as the marowak moved in to attack again.

“We need backup! Pikachu use thunderbolt!”

And as always, Pikachu delivered and zapped the marowak.

“So then I was like _mudkip._ And it was all---“

“Well you can always count on dat ta happen!” Meowth interrupted in a loud voice. 

“Yeah! Good job Pikachu! Good job Rowlet!” Ash held his arms out to his pokemon and embraced them.

“ _Please._ That Rowlet didn’t do---“ Jessie started.

Not! Kiawe started talking again.

“Now my marowaks will preform another dance. Pay close attention to their movements.”

“This is like so cool. My buddy always said that the marowaks could like dance man but man they can _dance_ ,” the hiker’s finger jabbed the air as he pointed at the marowaks. 

“ _Yeeeeah,_ ” Jessie made it clear that she wanted the hiker to shut up.

“So like one time, we were working together on our shift. Like, this was before I got busted for weed—“

The marowaks began the second to last dance. The hiker, who was in the middle of relating the story of how he got fired from his job and found his calling to wander about Alola, suddenly stopped talking. Team Rocket let out a sigh of relief. 

“Wait, am I supposed to go on now?” The hiker wondered out loud. He got up and stepped out from behind the rock. He motioned over to the trial captain who gave him a thumbs- up. 

“Hey dudes can you watch my bag?” He asked Team Rocket before waddling over to the marowaks. Team Rocket glanced over at the dirt- covered backpack that stank of sweat.

“I’m not touching that,” Jessie was grossed out. 

The marowaks tossed the fire bones high into the air and caught them. The hiker stumbled in front of them and crouched down. He flashed Ash and the captain a peace sign.

“What was different from the previous dance?”

Ash scratched his head.

“Um,” his finger hovered in the air like it did before with the first dance. He pointed at each of the marowaks.

“The marowaks are all doing the same thing, but um—“Ash thought out loud.

“How about something that doesn’t have to do with the marowaks,” the captain subtly hinted that the hiker was right in front of Ash.

“Is he gonna get it?” James asked.

“I hope so,” Jessie had her fingers crossed.

“Well--- maybe---“Ash placed a hand on his chin.

“Yooooooooo,” the hiker waved at Ash.

“I don’t know. This is really hard,” Ash said.

“ **AAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!** ”

Team Rocket shot up from behind the rock. 

“OH MY GOD! IT’S THE **HIKER!** THE **HIKER** YOU **TWERP!** ” They screamed. 

“Hey! What are _you_ doing here?” Ash exclaimed.

Team Rocket froze. They gazed over at a surprised Ash, the annoyed captain, and the cheerful hiker who was waving at them.

“Did I do a good job guys?” He asked. 

“Kyle how many times have I told you that this is literally a sacred space, you _can’t_ bring your friends here when we’re doing a trial,” the captain sighed. 

“I didn’t bring them, I like _found_ them there man,” Kyle the hiker said.

Jessie scowled. James looked off to the side. And Meowth placed a paw on the back of his head as the three of them refused to admit out loud that the other reason they had come out to Wela Volcano Park was to cheer the twerp on. 

“WE DIDN’T EVEN WANNA HELP YOU ANYWAY!”

And so Team Rocket ran, far, far, away.


	12. Mimikyu Straight Up Tried To MURDER Meowth AGAIN

Meowth kept his gaze forward out at the woods as the [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIxx2NZUUco) blared at full volume from Team Rocket's new secret base. He wished he could go for a nice leisurely stroll as Jessie and James officially "christened" the cave as a Team Rocket secret base, but no. Bewear had wandered off somewhere and Meowth had to be the lookout. At least he wasn't witness to the depravity going on inside like many other unfortunate walk ins, but _god_ even the same song played about a thousand times in a row wasn't loud enough to drown out all those moans.

"Aggggh! I can't take dis anymore! Someone take me outta mah misery already!" he grimaced.

As soon as he said those words, the fur on his arms stuck up. He began shivering as a sudden chill washed over him. A foggy black mist surrounded him.

_Hissssssssssss_

Two firey demon like eyes glowed at him. Mimikyu rose from the depths of whatever hell its pokeball had trapped it in. Meowth cowered in its presence.

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT YA MORON!" Meowth yelled. 

Mimikyu let out a shrill cry. The mist solidified and shot out at Meowth. The black rope like appendages grabbed Meowth by the limbs and began to rattle him about.

"I TAKE THAT BAACCCCKKKKK!!!" Meowth screamed. 

Mimikyu floated over towards Meowth. It stopped and hissed again. Its stitched mouth stretched and opened to reveal a set of sharp, black, fangs. 

"AAAHHHHHHH!!!!" Meowth squeezed his eyes tight.

The disguise it wore was slowly being absorbed into its body. With a sizzle, black mist shrouded the pokemon again before it parted to reveal its true form...

"I DON'T WANNA GO TO HELL! I'M A GOOD KITTY!" Meowth pleaded with whatever mystical force dwelled in the pokemon world.

**Slap!**

Meowth opened his eyes to see Bewear standing between him and the pikachu disguised Mimikyu. The black mist was gone. He could move. And Bewear slapped Mimikyu again with all its might. The pikachu wannabe hater let out a whimper before returning to its ball.


	13. Jessie Spread A Rumor About Butch And Cassidy

Ah, the Team Rocket breakroom. The golden space of peace where Team Rocket cadets could lose themselves into their cups of coffee and chow down on junk food before going out on their next mission. Recently recruited Jessie, somewhere between the ages of fifteen to eighteen, was chilling with a fellow Team Rocket grunt whose name was probably Ashley since it was the 90s and nearly every single girl was named Ashley. The two, like nearly all youth do were discussing the latest gossip. (Although one might point out that the urge to badmouth our peers is something that never goes away when we age, and that instead of causing discord within our own lives, we find a suitable and safe niche in targeting the rich and famous instead. But that’s a different matter altogether) Jessie was intently following Ashley’s story, and she leaned in to get all the deets. 

“And so like Joey goes back to Brooklyn to see his side chick Téa right? But then like he finds her with her with this Yugi guy and he like _flips out_ ‘cause like that dude is also a stripper and his stage name is like Yami or whatever and he like totally serviced Joey last week.”

“Oh. My. God,” Jessie said. 

“And then his GF Mai comes in and she’s like super pissed and starts to go off on Joey for being such a manwhore but then she sees that Yugi’s there and she _looses_ it ‘cause she says he gave her the clap.”

“Wait---so what does this have to do with this Pegasus dude?” Jessie asked.

“Ok so I’m getting to that,” Ashley held her hand up. “So Yugi calls her out on her BS ‘cause he doesn’t have the clap he has _crabs._ And like Joey---“

The conversation was rudely interrupted as a disgruntled Cassidy stormed her way through the breakroom. With a huff, she slammed her empty coffee mug on the counter and reached for the coffee pot. Jessie and Ashley both glared at her. Cassidy muttered something about her partner Butch being a pain in the ass under her breath before picking up the mug. A sway of her hips and she headed out the door. 

“ _Jeez._ What’s up with her?” Ashley wrinkled her nose as she watched Cassidy leave. 

The wheels were turning in Jessie’s head and a devious look glinted in her eye. She chuckled as the plan to ruin her arch- rival for good was about to go into action.

“Oh, like you don’t _know?_ ”

“Know what?” Ashley was intrigued. 

“Are you sure you wanna know? It is so _nasty,_ ” Jessie drew out the last word for emphasis.

“Hell yeah!”

“Pinky- promise you won’t tell anyone else?” Jessie asked with a smirk, knowing that Ashley could not keep a secret for her life.

“Totes,” Ashley’s pinky curled against Jessie’s.

“Ok…So Butch and Cassidy…” Jessie leaned in and whispered in Ashley’s ear.

*************************************************************************** 

One hour later, Ashley burst into her bffl’s dorm room where said bffl and five other friends were chilling.

“ Hey Ash-leh!” They all greeted her.

“Hey guys what’s up? You will like never believe what I just found out,” Ashley exclaimed. 

“What?”

“Tell me!”

“Oh my god is it Pegasus; I heard he gave Mai the clap.”

“No, but this is just as good,” Ashley grinned. “So you know that Batch kid and Cassidy?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok so like get this. Batch and Cassidy like--------- and like as he------------she like-----------and like she had beans for lunch----------like everywhere.”

“OH MY GOD!” Her friends exclaimed in unison. 

“I KNOW RIGHT? THAT’S SO NASTY!” Ashley chimed in.

*************************************************** 

The five friends then told the rumor to their friends. Who then told it to their friends. And their friends. And their friends. And their friends’ friends. And their siblings. And cousins. And their pokemon, who overheard the conversations and then told it to their pokemon friends. And by Monday, since it was the 90s and texting and messaging and all that jazz that could spread the rumor in less than twenty- four hours didn’t exist yet, nearly all of the Team Rocket grunts under the age of thirty knew about Butch and Cassidy.

“Yo so did you hear----“ A girl whispered to her friend in the Team Rocket computer room.

“Ewwwwww,” one guy made a grossed out expression before refilling his plastic cup at the water cooler.

“Ok this better be good ‘cause I’m in the middle of watching _Friends._ ”

“Bitch and Cassidy---” The targets of the rumor were pointed out as they made their way down the hall.

“I like didn’t even know they were like a thing but----GODDAMMIT KEIICHIRO CAN’T YOU SEE I’M ON THE PHONE?”

“WAAAAHAAAHAAHAAAAHHHHH!™”

“Botch and Cassidy?” Someone asked, confused.

“Dude that is so embarrassing!” Was followed by laughter. 

“It was _Taco Bell_ \----“ The guy telling the group emphasized. 

“And so they’re like freaking out and---“ The girl stopped as she saw one of the supervisors coming over to check on them. 

“Oh my god!” A girl placed a hand over her mouth and nervously giggled. 

“Hey man, did you hear about Butch and Cassidy?”

“Yeah. Gross right?”

James stopped pulling on the paper towel that hung out halfway from the dispenser and cocked his head to the side to hear where the noise was coming from. He knew just as much as everyone else did that the men’s room was no place for chit-chat. If a conversation took place at all, it only happened if, A: there were only two occupants in the room, or B: if someone burst in shouting that there was some sort of danger and everyone had to evacuate. This was a grievous violation of guy code indeed. 

“You gotta give him credit for still being able to work with her. I mean that takes _guts._ ”

They laughed. James quickly ripped the paper towel and dried his hands before leaving. He caught up with Jessie who was in the middle of entertaining her newfound set of friends with said rumor that James just heard.

“Jessie. Do you know what you’ve _done?_ ” He asked as he approached her. 

“Like. What?”

“Guys are actually _talking_ to each other in the bathroom.”

“And? People talk to me in the bathroom all the time?” Jessie did not get it.

“This is _huge!_ Your rumor is changing the social order of Team Rocket headquarters! Who knows what’s gonna happen next that could send everything into chaos? Like… do you think that maybe…they’ll finally let us level one grunts go Friday happy hour? ‘Cause that would be so freaking awesome!”

“Wait? It’s a rumor?” One of the girls asked. 

“No it’s _not!_ ” Everyone, including James, shot her down.

*******************************************************************

Whenever the Team Rocket grunts would happen to meet with Butch and Cassidy outside of work, they started snickering and whispering amongst themselves. When questioned by Butch or Cassidy as to what was so funny, they were cracking up so much that they couldn’t or simply wouldn’t spill the beans. Until that fateful Wednesday morning…

“Like what’s so funny?” Butch asked which came out as a whine because of his god- awful voice.

The four other coworkers they were talking with were in hysterics. One guy was slapping his knee. A girl had a hand on her stomach and was struggling to take in enough air. The wisecrack of the group kept on making bad inside jokes.

“Butch my man you’re a national hero. You took one for the team. You hit a home run and made it to fifth base. Could you tell the press what it was like?”

“Knock it off, I don’t play baseball jackass,” Butch retorted.

Cassidy rolled her eyes with a groan at the stupidity around her. 

“I know ya don’t man but ya know what I mean. _Beans_ ,” the wisecrack winked with a nudge-nudge.

“Hang on it was _Taco Bell,_ ” one of the grunts corrected him.

“No. I was told it was _Brussels sprouts_ ‘cause she was on a diet and--- oh shit she’s in front of us,” one of the girls realized. 

Cassidy’s eyebrows furrowed and she placed her hands on her hips as she took a step towards the group.

“What are you talking about?”

The group had become quiet. They exchanged nervous glances at each other, not exactly wanting to incur Cassidy’s wrath.

“ _What are you talking about?_ ” Cassidy repeated in a low voice.

“It’s a joke?” The wisecrack was running out of cracks.

“Oh really? Then tell me why it’s so funny?”

The wisecrack attempted to make one last comeback.

“Well ladies and gentlemen it looks like we’re _screwed._ Just like---“

The wisecrack barely finished the punchline when an enraged Cassidy slammed him into the wall. The wisecrack’s friends all ran for their lives and reputation. The wisecrack started to scream as the interrogation began…

*******************************************************

Thursday morning, Jessie and James walked into Team Rocket Headquarters to find that everyone was staring at them. Some people even giggled. One dude cupped his hands at the side of his mouth and yelled:

“Hey! It’s Jessie and James! Or should I say _PB_ and James?”

“Oooooh!” His buddy stuck out his tongue and wiggled it around with a silly sound.

“Lickety-lick-lick ‘til you get sickety sick-sick!”

The two dudes laughed. Jessie and James ignored them. 

“Oh my god they’re acting like they’re in middle school.”

“We have better things to deal with than those douchecanoes.” 

“Oh my god! Jessie!”

Ashley ran up to them. She sharply inhaled before blurting:

“Oh- my- god- Jessie- like- did- you –and- James –like- really- you- know-like- actually- did- the- thing- with- the- peanut- butter?” 

Jessie and James exchanged confused looks.

“Huh?” James asked.

“Ashley what are you talking about?” Jessie wanted to get to the point. 

“But like you totally know what I’m talking about!” Ashley said. “Like James ----------and like you-----------and then-------and like you got a yeast infection.”

Jessie’s whole face turned a deep purple. Steam seemed to rise from her ears as she took a sharp breath. Her hand clenched into a fist and pounded at some imaginary foe in the air. James slid back, knowing what was about to come next as Jessie’s mouth opened and let out a roar:

“WHO TOLD YOU THAT?” 

Ashley blinked in response. She tilted her head to the side and shrugged.

“Like… Cas-sidy?” Ashley said like it was common knowledge. Neither Jessie nor James responded at first.

“So is it like true?” She asked.

“Not it’s not!” James angrily exclaimed.

_Slam!_

Jessie’s fist collided with the nearest wall. She jumped back in pain, cradling her bruised knuckles as she screamed:

“I AM GONNA KILL THAT **BITCH!** ”

And alas, it was the point of no return. The battle with all its casualties did not bring an end to the war for it would continue for years to come, perhaps forever. And with this caveat I leave with thee: the sound of gossip sure is sweet but let it fester and it will sting. Or as Justin Timberlake famously put it: what goes around comes around goes around and back aroooooound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Well gee you say wouldn't this fic be better if it wasn't filled with those gosh darn dashes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9562283)


	14. They Got Drunk And Tried To Catch Pikachu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _@TheyDroveMeMad: I hope that I delivered!_

The stillness of the midnight hour was rudely interrupted by the drunken bellowing over in room 312. Inside the hotel room, Jessie and James were cheering on Meowth as he drained the last of a carton of heavy cream.

“CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!”

Meowth dramatically dropped the carton. He wiped his mouth with the back of his paw and let out a victory whoop. Jessie and James went ballistic as they celebrated Meowth’s amazing feat. The tie that was wrapped around James’ head spun around as he did what appeared to be a dance. He ripped his button down shirt open and stumbled to the floor. Jessie gave Meowth a noogie and let out a profanity- strewn squeal about how Meowth was the number one Meowth to ever exist and that all the other ones were a bunch of teeny tiny kitties. She then grabbed the bottle of jagermiester and took a swig. She then poured it all over herself, Meowth, and James who tried to lap the alcohol up as it fell. She then peered inside the bottle and let out an exclamation that began with the letter f and ended with a k.

“THERE’S NO MORE JAGERMIESTER!”

“Waiittt dere’s one here,” James picked up an empty bottle of jagermiester that lay beside him and handed it to Jessie.

“It’s empty ya dumbass!” She held it up to her face as if she were looking through a telescope. 

“What-what about dis one?” James held out another empty bottle of jagermiester.

“Goddammit James! I can’ drink _nothing!_ You knows what happens if you like drink nothing. You _die_ If-if we don’ have jagermiester we’ll like die,” Jessie told him angrily. 

“From what?” James asked.

“From like thirst,” Jessie responded.

Meowth got their attention by loudly burping. If this had happened while all three of them were sober, Jessie and James would have told him off for being disgusting. Now they only giggled.

“Ya guz ya naw waa we reallah neeeed?” Meowth swayed in place as he spoke.

“What?”

“Wah need ta got Pikaychu.”

“But we can’ drink Pikachu,” Jessie said, confused.

“Naaaaah we sell Pinkachu fa moar jaggymister,” Meowth held his hands out and gestured at the room.

“Ah,” Jessie and James understood.

“Den lez go allweady!”

And like an angry Tauros, Team Rocket charged down the hallway: a shirtless James, waving his tie in a circle over his head, Jessie, with smeared eyeliner and mascara streaking down her face, brandishing one of the Jagermiester bottles as a weapon, and Meowth, leading the way with claws out. They screamed gibberish at the top of their lungs and showed no signs of stopping until Meowth collided into a door. He fell back into James, who then bumped into Jessie. All three of them toppled over to the ground.

“Wez here!” Meowth slurred, pointing at the door.

They got to their feet. James struggled to keep his tie up in the air. Jessie smacked the bottle onto her palm and winced. Meowth’s twitching hand swiped at the air.

“On mah count..wah…twoh…tree!”

The door mysteriously opened. Team Rocket glanced at the darkness from inside the hotel room in confusion until a high-pitched noise from below got their attention.

“Jigglypuff!”

_The_ Jigglypuff had answered the door. She stared up at Team Rocket with a wide -eyed expression. 

“You’re—you’re not a Pikachu!” James pointed at Jigglypuff and moved his pointer finger in a circle. 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath:

“Jigglypuff. Jiggly--- puff. Jiggly--- puff. Jiggly.” 

Team Rocket collapsed to the ground and were snoozing within seconds. Jigglypuff eagerly looked out to see if Team Rocket had enjoyed her song but found that once again, her audience was fast asleep. 

“Puff!” Jigglypuff angrily exclaimed. She brandished her sharpie and proceeded to deface Team Rocket.


	15. They Conned Daytime TV

In the backstage wings of the hit _The Jaury Springvich Show,_ Team Rocket watched as the security guards escorted a still fighting family off of the set. A man clearly going through a mid life crisis and two twenty something year old young men exchanged punches, a little old lady swung her purse at everything that moved and cursed obscenities that made a sailor blush, and a middle aged woman clung onto the arm of a guard and sobbed hysterically that this family was being torn apart. Cheers of _Jaury! Jaury!_ came from the audience outside. The controversial host bowed.

“So our next set of guests come all the way from---“

“Alright we’re up! This is it! Three hundred dollars here we come!” James said as he put his snapback on backwards. His oversized t- shirt and baggy shorts swooshed around as he moved. He struck a pose to get into character.

“Why do I hav’ ta be da baby!” Meowth complained with a glance down at the baby onesie he was wearing.

“If you’re not gonna do it we’re not gonna get paid so suck it up!” Jessie told him. She went back to over-smearing blue eyeshadow on her eyes. A touch of lip gloss and she put her makeup kit away in her faux leather purse. Her pigtails bounced as she leaned down and picked up Meowth. She balanced him on her hip. His feet dangled at the fringe of her ripped jean miniskirt, and his head swayed about against her arm or at the bottom of her too tight crop top. He uncomfortably squirmed.

“Please welcome Big Jim and Jess!”

Jessie and James waddled on stage. They were met by more chants of _Jaury! Jaury!_ that was accompanied by fist pumping, and heckling. 

“Ya’ll don’ know me!” Jessie shot back at the crowd. Her free hand was blurred immediately on screen.

“Yo! Yo! Yo!” James pointed at random people like a freestyle rapper and scowled. 

They both settled down on the couch. James spread his legs apart to the max and rested his arms on his knees, taking up about half of the free space on the couch. Jessie sent a kick to his shin. His stance immediately closed. 

“Welcome!” Jaury Springvich exclaimed. “Aw is this baby Max-son? He is so adorable!”

The audience oohed and aahed as the camera zoomed in on Meowth. He shot the camera a wide- eyed stare.

“Goo- goo –ga- ga?” He blabbed in a high- pitched voice that made his throat strain. He coughed.

“So Big Jim, Jess, let’s give the audience a refresher on why you’re here today,” Jaury Springvich said.

“That ain’t mah boy!” James pointed at Meowth.

“He is too ya boy, he look just like ya!” Jessie snapped back.

“He ain’t got mah eyebrows!” James pointed to his own eyebrows.

“He do too! Look a’ em!” Jessie tapped on Meowth’s forehead.

“He ain’t got mah nose!” James’ raised his voice.

“It don’ matta!” Jessie shouted back.

“ ‘E don’ like monsta trucks!” James leaned in right in front of her face. 

“It’s a babeh ya dumbass! Babehs don’ care ‘bout trucks!” She spat.

“I named him afta’ one! So ‘e should like ‘em! Dat ain’t no son of mine!”

Jessie shoved him back into the arm of the couch. The audience gasped.

“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! We gotta go slower than that. Now Big Jim can you give a reasonable explanation as to why Max-son is not your son?” Jaury Springvich asked from his safe spot in the host chair.

“I seen ‘er wit’ Alligator Earl!” James’ revelation made the audience gasp again.

“That’s bull! Alligator’s Earl’s ugly as hell! I’d neva sleep wit’ him even if Jesus came!” Jessie retorted. The audience ooohed. 

“I saw ya in his trailer!” James jumped up.

“I was stealin’ his shotgun ‘cause ya idiot ass lost ours!” Jessie violently set Meowth down on the couch and shot up to her feet.

“Stealin’ his shotgun! I seen da way ya look a’ him like a dog in heat, you was probably **on it!** ” James accused her.

_Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!_

Jessie and James started cat slapping each other. The audience went ballistic. Cheers of _Fight! Fight! Fight!_ nearly drowned out the gibberish Jessie and James were spewing at each other as they fought. Jaury Springvich looked on in glee. Meowth scratched his back against the couch. The security guards swooped in and pulled Jessie and James apart.

“Ya messed up mah _hair!_ ” Jessie cried out.

“Darn tootin’ I did!” Was James’ comeback. 

The guards led Jessie and James back over to the couch. As Jessie picked up Meowth again, James leaned in and whispered:

“What do we do now?” 

“I don’t know I’ve run out of trashy things to say,” Jessie responded. 

“Da sooner we finish da better, dis onesie is itchy!” Meowth hissed.

“No one asked you!”

“So Jess. How do you react to all of this?” Jaury Springvich asked.

“I think dat Big Jim is fulla shit! I don’ cheat! I’d neva cheat! **’E’s** da cheata, e’s a strippa!” Jessie exclaimed with a point.

The audience burst into a chorus of _oh my god._ The wheels were turning in James’ head as Jessie’s new idea was put out.

“Big Jim is this true?” Jaury Springvich asked.

“Yessir,” James said with a nod.

“Why do you strip?”

“I took it up afta’ I got fired from mah last job. I ‘ave ta be da one sa-portan’ dis family! Where else are we gonna get our moonshine an’ monsta trucks?” He defended himself.

“Could you show us some moves?” Jaury Springvich said with a wink. 

The camera panned over to the stripper pole over on the right hand side of the stage. James got up from his seat and strutted over to the pole. The audience all clapped to the rhythm of the chant of _Strip! Strip! Strip!_ James grabbed onto the pole and flashed the audience a seductive grin. He removed his snapback and tossed it into the audience. A swing of his hips and he gyrated against the pole. Meowth covered his eyes. Everyone in the audience whistled as James started to pull his shirt up. Jessie shot up from her seat.

“Oh no you don’!” She ran at him.

_Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!_

The guards tackled Jessie before she could grab James. 

“YA SEE WHA’ HE DOES!” Jessie shrieked. 

James smirked. He leaned back against the pole and watched as she thrashed about against the guards’ grip.

“’E DOES DAT TA PICK UP CHICKS! ‘E HAS DA HIPS OF DA DEVIL!”

“I’m proud of dat ya know! How da ya think ya ended up wit' me?” James smugly said.

_OHHHHHHHHH!!!!_ The audience loved his comeback.

“Jess do you think there’s a chance that he just strips to make money?” Jaury Springvich asked.

“I KNOW DA TRUTH! I KNOW WHA’ YA REALLY DO! YA GO DERE, YA DO YA THING AND NEXT MORNING I HEAR DOSE SLUTS TALKIN’ ABOU’---“ Jessie’s tirade was immediately censored. The audience all squealed. 

“IZ NOT LIKE DAT!” James shouted.

“OH DEN WHA’ ‘BOUT CASSIDY?” Jessie retorted.

“SHE CAME ON TA MEH! I DIDN’T DO NOTHING!”

“YOU’S A LIA’!” 

“Jess, who’s Cassidy?” Jaury Springvich prompted. 

“SHE’S DA TOWN SLUT! I CAUGHT ‘EM IN HIS PICKUP TRUCK! HE’S A DAMN LIA’!”

“OH YEAH WHAT ABOUT ALLIGATOR EARL?” 

“I NEVER SLEEP WIT’ ALLIGATOR EARL! I SLEPT WIT’ ‘IS BROTHA BUTCH!”

_Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!_

James ran back to the couch and picked up Meowth. He held him up Lion King style and dangled him at at the audience:

“DIS AIN’T MAH BOY! DIS AIN’T MAH BOY!” 

“Hang on there Big Jim! We haven’t even gone over the results of the paternity test!” Jaury Springvich told him. 

“I DON’T NEED NO TEST! DIS AIN’T MAH SON!” James yelled.

“YA ARE DA FATHA!” Jessie screamed. The guards pulled her back. She broke from their grip and ran over to James. She grabbed Meowth from him.

“NO I AIN’T!”

“YES YA ARE! LOOK A’ HIM!” She shook Meowth right in front of James’ face.

“WELL I HAVE THE RESULTS OF THE TEST RIGHT HERE!” Jaury Springvich raised his voice. He held up an envelope and waved it about. The audience cheered.

_OPEN IT! OPEN IT! OPEN IT!_

The guards led Jessie and James back to the couch. Jessie held Meowth in her lap. James sat hunched over and rested his elbows on his knees. He placed his hands together prayer style. Jaury Springvich cleared his throat as he opened the envelope.

“When it comes to six month old Max-son, Big Jim you---“ Jaury Springvich stopped mid sentence. He looked the piece of paper, puzzled.

“Hang on. That’s not a baby, that’s a Meowth.”

The audience collectively lost it. Jessie, James, and Meowth all shot up from their seats with a devious laugh.

“You’ve all been played for suckers!” Jessie hollered at the audience. Her hands were blurred again.

“This time **you’ve** been screwed over!” James chimed in with a point.

“A-di-os!” Meowth ripped off the onesie and waved. 

Team Rocket then turned. They ignored the jeers and booed as they walked off like a bunch of mofos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched too many Jerry Springer and Maury clips for this chapter this better be worth it


	16. They Argued Over Netflix And All Wasn't Chill

The hotel had free netflix and Jessie, James, Meowth, and Wobbaffet were sure to make the best of a rainy day. They kicked back and relaxed on the queen sized bed and eagerly logged into the hotel's account to see what their options were. Their first binge was a highly popular drama series from Kalos which had them teetering on the edge of of the bed.

_"How long have you been waiting to go to bed?" Came the main female protagonist's question._

"Oh no! Oh no Nat you don'! You are _not_ goin' back ta him!" Meowth shouted with a wag of his paw.

_“--I’ve been waiting for a **long** time." Came the main male antagonist's answer._

Jessie let out a fangirl shriek. 

"YES! _FINALLY!_ WE ARE GETTING A SEX SCENE! ITS GONNA BE SO HOT!" Jessie squealed.

"NETFLIX DELIVERS! HOORAY FOR NETFLIX FIXING EVERYTHING THAT THE FIRST SEASON LEFT OUT!" James chimed in.

"Are you guys _stupid?_ The whole point of their relationship is to be _appalled_ by it." Meowth couldn't believe what he was hearing. 

"But they're so hot together." 

"Wobbaffet!" Wobbaffet piped up from behind the trio.

"It's not saposed ta be sexy! _Look!_ They're contrasting da hookup wit' da kid's nightmare! I just--why? _Why?_ He's da scumiest of scum! He cheated on his freakin' wife Marie and den he kills her!" Meowth spat as Massive Attack's [Dissolved Girl](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lcZ0redg1s) played dramatically throughout the montage.

"Dude, he like _accidentally_ killed her," James pointed out.

"I don' care! He made Nat help him burry da body! Look a' how messed up she is 'cause of it! His _kid_ is gonna be messed up when he finds out da truth! Dis guy can go ta hell an-- " Meowth exclaimed.

"Will you _shut up?_ " Jessie snapped at him. 

" _No!_ I ain't shuttin' up!" 

"I can't hear anything!" 

" _Good!_ "

"I wanna enjoy my artsy sex scene in peace for crying out loud! So both of you _can it!_ " James jumped in. 

" _He's_ the one who started it! I thought you were on _my_ side!" 

"I _am_ on your side!" 

"Wobbaffet!" Wobbaffet shrieked. He jumped up and landed back down with a plop. James, Jessie, and Meowth all slid off of the bed with a shout. So did the tv's remote which landed on the floor. Jessie's hand shot out to grab it. Meowth swiped at her hand. The show paused. The remote went flying into Wobbaffet's hands. His large blob of a hand pressed down, and accidentally changed the show to one of the featured ones on the Netflix homepage. The title card _Hiking Horizons_ flashed on the screen. 

"Agh! Wobbaffet!" Jessie angrily exclaimed as she climbed back on the bed. 

_"Deep in Sinnoh's Great Marsh--_ " 

"I don't wanna watch some stupid nature show," Meowth complained. 

_"--lies a bug pokemon known for inflicting excruciating pain--"_

"Wait! It's Lycanroc Jackson!" Jessie gazed up at the screen. 

"Lycanroc Jackson! Now dis I can watch!" The show's host was cool in Meowth's book.

"Oh god! Not Lycanroc Jackson!" James exclaimed.

_"It is said to be the most painful sting in all of the pokemon bug kingdom."_

"Oh my god. What's he gonna get stung by today?" Jessie said.

"I can't believe dis guy is still alive,I mean how is he like not dead yet?" Meowth asked. 

"Maybe he's already dead and came back as a zombie," Jessie suggested. 

"The beedrill episode gave me nightmares for _weeks!_ " James said with a shudder.

"Or maybe he just likes pain." 

_"I'm Lycanroc Jackson and I'm going to enter the sting zone with the skorupi."_

"A _skorupi?_ He's dead!" 

"Oh he's in some deep sugar honey iced tea!" Jessie said. 

James only let out a whimper and huddled his knees close to his chest. He leaned back into Wobbaffet. An intense silence fell upon the four of them as the action on screen played out.

_"Now I'm going to use the forceps to place the skorupi on my arm---"_

"Yikes!" 

"It's going in stinger first!" 

"Wobbaffet!" 

"I can't look!" James exclaimed with a hand over his eyes. 

And then Lycanroc Jackson stung himself with the skorupi. 

_"Are you ok? Dude you look like you're in a lot of pain."_

_"AHHHHHHHHH!!!! I CAN'T MOVE MY ARM! THE STINGER IS STILL STUCK IN MY ARM!"_

Meowth's eyes bulged and his claws tore into the bed cover. Jessie's mouth hung open with a gasp. James screamed along with the poor host. Wobbafett flailed his arms about and dropped the remote.

"Oh my god his arm is turning purple!" 

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! I CAN'T WATCH THIS I'M GONNA BE SICK!"

"Eeeww! There's blood everywhere!" 

"TURN IT OFF!" 

"Heee's dead." 

"Wobba Wobba-fettt!"

_"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHY DID I DO THIS? AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! GAAAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"_

James grabbed the remote and pressed pause. 

"Hey! How else are we gonna find out if this guy dies?" 

"If I watch one more second of this I will literally have a second hand heart attack! Let's watch something not so traumatizing, like I don't know, the drama we were watching," James angrily said.

"Oh no!" Meowth shot back. "As long as that scumbag Ga---"

"Hey! Death Note! Everyone likes Death Note. Let's watch that," Jessie saw another title on the featured page.

"That's not Death Note," James quickly said.

"What do ya mean that's not Death Note. It's _Death Note_ ," Jessie pointed at the screen. 

"That is not Death Note, the greatest anime in the world. That is a _wannabe_ Death Note," James clarified.

"Don't be stupid! It has the exact same plot as the anime! Meowth back me up." 

"Sorry Jess I hav' ta back up James." 

" _What?_ " Meowth's answer surprised her. 

"It's live action, it's gonna suck!" He explained. 

"Not every live action adaptation of an anime is gonna suck!" Jessie exclaimed. 

"Yeah it will!" James said. 

"Fine! If you'll be a dick about it, I'll put it back to Hiking Horizons!" Jessie held up the remote as she made her threat.

"Oh no you don't! I want my soap opera!" James made a grab for the remote.

"That's better," Jessie conceded. She lowered her hand to give James the remote. 

"If that asshole is still wit' her I ain't touching dat show wit' a ten foot pole!" Meowth jumped in between Jessie and James.

"You shut up!" Jessie yelled at Meowth. 

"Ya'll just don't get it! I value character development! Give me Hiking Horizons!" Meowth shouted. 

"I value my _sanity!_ James screeched. 

"Gimme!" Meowth pushed James down onto the bed cover and reached for the remote. Jessie's foot shot out and she kicked Meowth straight in the chest. But not before his claws smacked her hand and sent the remote flying again. It all happened in slow-mo. The remote fell with a clang to the floor. James tumbled down. Jessie dove from the top of the bed. And Meowth got up from the floor and they all reached out to stake their claim.

"Wobbaffet!" 

Wobbaffet picked up the remote. He pressed down on select. Bright colors permeated the screen that was followed by a whimsical tune.

_It's Poppy the popplio! He wants to go and play! It's Poppy! It's Poppy! Let's go and explore today!_

Wobbaffet excitedly clapped. Jessie, James, and Meowth all groaned. 

"I don' wanna watch a dumb kids' show!" Meowth whined. 

Wobbafett glanced over at Meowth. He then took the remote, went over to the window, opened it, and hurled it out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnddd you get a playlist! And you get a playlist! And you get a [playlist!](https://8tracks.com/goofyplaylists/team-rocket-and-the-one-time)


	17. What The Heck Happened When Bewear Snatched Team Rocket Ft Gladion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all asked. You pleaded. And now your wishes will come true.

A shout disturbed the serene silence of the tropical night. The hulking giant of a pokemon crashed onto the grass. It dragged the three humans and Meowth over to the cave. By this time, Team Rocket had calmed down enough to accept that nothing they did would make the bear relinquish its death grip, but the plus one would not go out without a fight. 

"Let me go you stupid bear!" Gladion exclaimed. His leg sent a sharp kick at Bewear's back.

"You're awfully calm now," James remarked at how chill Jessie was. 

"Meh that Guz-ugh wasn't worth it. Still coulda kicked his ass though," Jessie rose her shoulders up in an attempt to shrug. 

"Man but _dis_ kid," Meowth cocked his head up at Gladion with an annoyed look.

"I won five Battle Royals! I beat up people when I mosh! I roll with Team Skull and I'm the baddest kid in this town!" Gladion shouted. 

"Whelp he's edgy," James remarked. 

"You're pink and fluffy and disgusting and I hate you because you're cute!" The feeble slaps that were aimed at Bewear's shoulder proved to be futile. 

"Wow this kid is not just edgy. He's edgy™," Meowth flatly stated.

"Whatcha say prep?" Gladion heard him.  


"Oh my god," Meowth said. 

"You calling me edgy prep?"  


"And here we go again."  


"I have a legitimate reason to be pissed you stupid chai latte sipping prep." 

"And what is it?" James was not really that curious but asked anyway. 

" _Everything,_ " Gladion drew out the word with a sigh. "Life sucks and everything is despair. We are all cogs in the wheel of life. We spin and spin around, but go no where. It is so unfair," Gladion concluded with a groan.

Bewear began to applaud Gladion's impromptu poem. Team Rocket took the chance to slide out of its grip. Gladion fell to the ground with an _Ugh._ Bewear reached down and attempted to pat Gladion on the head.

"Hey!" Gladion exclaimed with a scowl. Bewear stopped, shrugged and went off into the cave.

"Listen kid, I get it," James said.

"No you don't!" Gladion angrily replied. 

"Believe or not we do. Once upon a time, I too, had a pretty embarrassing edgy phase."

"Its not a phase! Scene is my life!" Gladion dramatically exclaimed. 

"And you know, after all that soul searching, tripping over tombstones while running away from the cops at three in the morning, nearly fainting from wearing black leather trenchcoats in ninety degree weather 'cause The Matrix made it look cool, thinking that Nine Inch Nails' the greatest band in the world, acting like Marilyn Manson to piss off your folks, and writing poems about hooking up with vampires who look a lot like Brad Pitt, you find that yeah, life can suck, and sometimes it can suck for a long time, but that doesn't mean you have to go through it alone. We've all got problems. sometimes we just gotta hang on and be there for each _other_ for when the going gets tough. And when you think of life like that, you start to see that it sucks less. I used to think no one cared about me. But then I met Jess and Meowth. We've stuck together through good, bad, better, and worse, and we've only got closer. They're my _family_ and as long as I got them, and they got me, I feel like I can conquer the world." 

Touched, Meowth and Jessie both began to weep. Jessie turned and placed her arms around James' shoulders. Meowth jumped up and clung to his chest.

"Aww. Dat's da nicest thing you ever said James!" Meowth sniffed.

"I never knew we meant so much to you!" Jessie sobbed into his shoulder. 

"Oh you guys! You're the greatest!" James was holding back tears as he hugged them just as tightly.

Gladion then ruined the moment. 

"Wait a second. Marilyn Manson? The Matrix? Nine Inch Nails? Vampires that look like Brad Pitt? Did you grow up in the nineties?" He asked.

"Yeah." 

"So that means, you gotta be at least _thirty_ right?"

"I'm not thirty! How dare you say that!" Jessie shouted with a pull back from James.

"We don't even know what decade this fanfiction even takes place in so shut your mouth!" Meowth turned so quickly that the claws on his feet dug in and tore through James' shirt.

"Shut my _mouth?_ " Gladion lost his cool again.

"Yeah! Maybe dat Bewear woulda dropped us sooner if ya hadn't been yapping ya mouth off like some dumb furfrou!" Meowth took a step towards Gladion.

"I read Nietzsche you stupid street cat!" Gladion retorted.

"Whoa! Guys!" James did not want another fight to break out. 

"I bet ya all just talk! Ya probably neva fought anyone before!" Meowth accused him.

"You wanna go? Let's _go!_ I'll kick your ass! I'm mother--" 

Bewear returned. It grabbed Meowth and Gladion and fed them a pawful of honey. A surprised look crossed their faces as they took in the taste.

"Mmm, this is good," Gladion calmed down. 

"Oh! Yummy!" Meowth licked his lips to get the residue from the corner of his mouth. 

Bewear then turned and fed Jessie and James honey. Although the two weren't as tense as Meowth and Gladion, they mellowed out more than they usually would. Jessie and James stared over at Meowth and Gladion. They stared back. For the first time, Gladion smiled and he began to laugh. Everyone else joined in. Bewear built a campire and Jessie, James, Meowth, and Gladion spent the rest of the night making smores and singing My Chemical Romance songs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5/18/17: And we've reached the point where we part ways. Hopefully one day I'll be able to get back to this series when I have more time and inspiration but it looks slim at the moment. Thank you so much for sticking around and reading, I couldn't have done it without you guys!
> 
> Blasting off again!
> 
> GoofygoldenGirl


End file.
